4 Tips to Keep You Communicating

ELIZABETH ROSE

“A degree of lying – you know, white lies – seems to be inherent in all languages and all forms of communication.” – Matthew Lesko

So here we are… we’ve met, we’ve said those three little words – and unless you’re one of the lucky few it’s all going pear shaped:

• The sex has become less frequent, even stopped;
• Her knickers could be used as tents by Boy Scouts; and
• Their idiosyncrasies make you want to stab them with a chop stick.

You would think that most sane people at this point would think it was a good time to talk, that now is the moment to discuss the drift with an eye to fixing it, or to break up.

How wrong they all are!

At this point in many relationships – communication breaks down. You have planted your head in the sand and it’s hard to have a conversation in that position. So now we have:

…No discussion – just fact based statements (often ignored by your erstwhile love).

…Texts instead of calls to prevent too much interaction.

…Days of silence replacing texts – where once a “just thinking of you” would appear, now there is nothing to say.

You and your love are becoming into strangers, and if unlike me you don’t run a “stable” of willing stallions to make parting such sweet sorrow, you may not yet be ready to walk away.

Based on my observations of other people’s failing relationships I have noticed there are four main coping strategies that I would like to share with you. So here are my four tips to keep the lines of communication open with your partner.

1. Occupy Mouth – This technique is used by couples who start to eat compulsively and therefore become the size of a house; or by couples who decide to fuck their way through the silence and suddenly become lithe athletes (if somewhat constantly dehydrated).
2. Propose - I may be a cynic but it does seem to me that a marriage proposal is just a means of creating a topic of conversation for the next 6 to 18 months. Following the wedding is a nice honeymoon and then thank you letters, present unwrapping etc – it can keep you chatting away without saying anything of importance for the next two years.
3. Redecorate – Another way to create conversation, you’re married and all the fall out has been discussed ad nausea. So you either move or redecorate the house. Either way you are creating another common topic of conversation. Excellent – that will give you about another 3 to 6 months of not having any real communication filling the silence. Just white noise.
4. Breed – The final option. The house is immaculate, you’ve tried the fucking plan again but to be honest both of you have let yourself go over the last few years and it’s just not that much fun any more. So you bite the bullet and create one or more miniature versions of yourselves. This will supply you with 18 years of focus and other people to talk to.

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So there you are – over twenty years of conversation topics to keep your relationship whole. On the other hand, you could just man up, talk to each other and if necessary walk away instead of continuing to fill up all my weekends in June with expensive celebrations of your love and over populating the planet.

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