A One Sided Conversation

SAM SHARPE

My girl Skye is one of my closest friends, and she and I talk about everything under the sun—politics, relationships, sex. You name it, we’ve talked about it. We’ve developed a truly open and honest relationship. There is very little she could say or very few topics she could bring up that would truly shock me (and vice versa). That’s why I was genuinely taken aback when she reacted with a mixture of astonishment, horror and dismay when I told her about some of the more passive…ahem…encounters I’ve had in the boudoir.

Part of the reason I was so surprised by Skye’s reaction, is that I’ve always known that ‘starfishism’ is pretty common. Like many men out there, I’ve had my fair share of bad sex. But don’t get me wrong people. I’ve also had plenty of many mind blowing experiences and most of my sexual dalliances would be filed in the adequate or better category. Still an alarming number of my sexual experiences have lacked a certain… participatory element. And trust me, every man – not some, but every man – has a host of these stories to tell.

Take my evening with a woman we’ll call Sarah as an example. I met Sarah at a New Year’s Eve party. Soon after we were introduced by mutual friends, we ended up on the dance floor together. Now, this woman had moves. She could do things with her waistline that questioned, and then answered all the laws of physics. As the night wore on, I was sure that the fireworks we had created on the dance floor would translate into something explosive in the bedroom. I was wrong.

After fumbling our way through the dimly lit room like two circus clowns we undressed with the sheer hormonal enthusiasm of teenaged virgins at the prom after party. We eventually made our way to the bed and started getting busy. Or more correctly I (please note the emphasis) started getting busy. I’m not sure if Sarah was worried about messing up her hair or if she was engaging in a new form of Zen Buddhist sexual practice that required cemetery silence, but her stillness was startling. Perhaps she’d been taught that the missionary position only works if the female (non)participant lays still and remains quiet as if locked in prayer for the duration of the proceedings?

Now, I know what you are all thinking. Sam Sharpe, what did you expect? You didn’t even know her. It was a one night stand and there wasn’t any time to develop chemistry. Okay, I’ll give you all that, but then how do we explain Jules?

Now Jules was a sensuous looking woman. She wasn’t emaciated like a model or Hollywood starlet. She was curvy and solidly built. She was the kind of woman who oozed sex appeal, and who commanded a room upon entrance. Having said that, despite the fact that Jules and I dated on and off for about two years, I can count on one hand the number of times she kissed me below my neck.

As far as I can recall there were only a handful of times that she initiated any kind of action. After enduring a few months of this one-way traffic my frustration boiled over. I felt it was my duty as a man to speak up, so I did.

“Jules, is it too much for me to ask you to do a little something when we’re in bed? You know, like move, touch my body or do anything else that comes to mind.”

Do you want to know what she said to me people? Can any of you guess what her response was? Well, with a straight face, my sweet Jules said…

“Why, should I do anything? That’s your job.”

At first I laughed hysterically. I knew she had to be joking. I was so sure she was joking.  But when I wiped the sweat from my brow and stared into her eyes I could see that she was serious – dead serious.

And that’s the crux of the problem. Although Jules may be an extreme example, far too many women out there believe that sex isn’t something they do. Instead they think (and I have yet to figure out why) it’s something that’s done to them. Unfortunately, women who approach sex this way miss the best part of the action. Much like any group activity, sex is better when all parties involved take an active role.

No matter what size queens and the porn industry want you to believe, good sex isn’t about how big, how long or how much. It’s about how open you are to your partner. So if you’re tendency is to lie lifelessly on your back while your partner pounds you, you’re not really adding anything to the conversation.

And take it from me, The F’in Man, virtually no one (at least not anyone worth being around) enjoys a one sided conversation.

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