Basic Sex Etiquette Vol. 1: Do Wash & Brush Up After You’re Done

SKYE BLUE

I’m so sorry I have to post this. Really I am. But one of my good friends told me a story that leaves me no choice. For my sake, yours and anyone else who may encounter or already has encountered this problem, I feel compelled to speak out.

People it is imperative that you take the time to bathe and brush your teeth after you have sex if you intend to be around other people. The story below will illustrate why.

My friend Mica is a gym rat who likes to train hard. To that end she decided to train with three other like minded individuals at her gym – her friend Roy, and two of his friends Tina and Mike, who happened to be dating. Now everything was going well until one day, Tina and Mike came rushing in late for one of their group workouts looking flushed and a bit dishevelled.

‘Sorry we’re late,’ Tina said breathlessly, as she approached Mica.

‘No worries,’ Mica said, leaning in to give Tina a hug.  It was then that she smelt it for the first time. Now Mica wasn’t sure just what it was, but she knew she didn’t like it, and she pulled away from Tina quickly. ‘Well, let’s get going,’ she said, turning towards the free weight area of the gym.

The foursome set themselves up on two flat benches to perform bench presses. For the first round, Roy was to spot Tina and Mike would spot Mica. Mica lay down on the bench and set up to lift the heavy bar above her.

‘You ready Mike?’ she asked.

Mike put his hands in place to spot her and then bent forward to speak to her.

‘Whenever you are,’ he replied.

Once again, Mica smelt it, this time on Mike’s breath. Oh my God, what the fuck is that? To avoid smelling it again she held her breath until she had finished her set.

Mica tried her best to avoid smelling it as they completed their workout, but every time Tina or Mike got close to her, the foul odour she couldn’t identify would fill her nostrils. She thought about ending the session early more than once, because at times the smell got so bad Mica thought she might vomit. She wracked her brain trying to find a reason her friends would believe to explain why she had to leave the session early, but came up with nothing. So, she resigned herself to suffer through smelling it until their workout was done.

Later as the foursome was saying their goodbyes in the parking lot and Tina tried to hug her goodbye, Mica feigned a coughing fit. She was determined not to smell it again. ‘Tina, maybe you shouldn’t get too close, I feel like a cold may be coming on.’

Tina backed away quickly. ‘Go home and get some rest. You don’t want to get real sick and have to miss too many workouts.’

Maybe I do, Mica thought. ‘I know. I’m going to go home and go straight to bed – well maybe not straight to bed – I have to bathe first.’ Mica hoped both Tina and Mike would get the hint.

‘Good idea,’ Mike said smiling at her obliviously. ‘Alright me and Tina are going to head out. Roy, we’ll see you on Wednesday?’

‘For sure,’ Roy said. ‘You two take care.’

‘Good night Roy,’ Tina said. When she leaned in to kiss Roy on his cheek, Mica was sure she saw him cringe.

After Tina and Mike were gone, Mica and Roy walked to his car. ‘Was it just me or did they smell a little off tonight?’ she asked him.

Roy smirked, ‘I keep telling him they should bathe before coming in to workout with us. Is it the first time you’ve noticed?’

‘You mean they’ve smelt like that before?’

‘Yeah, although tonight was particularly bad. They must’ve have had a real good exercise session before meeting us,’ Roy said with a wink.

Mica placed her open palm on her forehead. ‘You mean, the two of them are having sex and then coming straight to the gym without so much as brushing their teeth?’

Roy sighed and nodded his head.

‘Oh my God,’ Mica said, ‘That smell on his breath was her? That’s disgusting. Who does that?’

Roy just shrugged.

By the time she climbed into Roy’s car and fastened her seat belt, Mica had made the decision to never train with Tina and Mike again.

The moral of my story is this:

Nobody wants to smell your partner’s ass on your breath and his/her funk on your skin. Spare yourself and others the embarrassment by washing and brushing up when you’re done doing the dirty deed.

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