Basic Sex Etiquette Vol. 2: Got Soap?

SKYE BLUE

After hearing about the sad night our lovely English rose was greeted by hunk of knob cheese as she prepared to pleasure a lover, and learning from more than a few men that their habit of conducting a ‘finger smell test’ had saved them from being face down in crotch rot on many occasions, I decided that it’s high time I write a follow up post to Basic Sex Etiquette Vol. 1: Do Wash and Brush Up After You’re Done. Why you ask? Because although I’m not a  hygiene expert or a medical doctor, as a woman with a keen sense of smell and a healthy aversion to funk, I believe cleanliness in the boudoir is of the utmost importance. With that said, let me begin.

Dear readers, as most of you already know, entering the boudoir for a roll in the hay with:

• Bad breath (or as one of my good friends calls it ‘heinous Halitosis’)
• A vag that smells like a fish market (or worse)
• Smegma (aka knob cheese) encrusted on the head of your dick
• Foul body odour emanating from any part of your body

is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE.

Taking the time to groom oneself thoroughly (and for the record, rubbing your ‘bits’ down with a baby wipe does not constitute thorough grooming) prior to sex, is not only considerate, but it also ensures that both parties are able to partake in the action without asphyxiating. (After all, isn’t sex hard enough to get right without adding respiratory complications to the mix?)

Furthermore, being clean will virtually guarantee that you get laid. In contrast, smelling like an outhouse will definitely bring your planned night of passion to an abrupt, frustrating and sexless end. But don’t just take my word for it, read The Funk, by Sam Sharpe, which clearly illustrates the mood killing power of poor hygiene. My good people don’t let a lack of cleanliness rob you of the chance to ‘commune’ with your mate. Always clean up before you hit the sheets.

With that in mind, I give you Skye’s pre-sex hygiene tips.

1. Handle the Halitosis: Your partner won’t want to kiss you if your breath smells like something crawled into your mouth and died. Before you cuddle up next to your mate make sure your breath is minty fresh. The best way to do this is to meticulously brush your teeth and tongue. In a pinch suck a mint or gargle some mouthwash.
2. Ladies, Cleanse Those Cookies: Although there are many women out there who are prone to over cleaning their vag, due to their worries about its smell and taste (douche addicts of the world unite!), there are obviously those among us who are less diligent in this area. To those women I’d like to suggest washing your genital area daily with warm water and a mild, unscented soap. Be sure to separate both the outer lips and pull back the hood of the clitoris to clean the secretions (aka female knob cheese – that’s right, women get smegma too) there.
3. Gents, Sweep Away the Smegma: Brothers, a crusty dick = no BJs, so avoid knob cheese all costs! For my uncut peeps, clean the tip of your johnson by pulling back the foreskin as far as it will go in order to fully expose the glans (head of your knob). Be sure to wash both the glans and the inside of the foreskin thoroughly. But be gentle – you don’t want to damage your goods. To the cut crew, gently wash your junk down from tip to base to ensure that you’re dude is clean as a whistle.
4. Banish B.O.: Take a shower or a bath, and wash away the lint on your balls/in your cookie, the musty scent in your armpits and all the other unappealing odours that follow you around all day. To make your clean up routine fun, ask your partner to join you while you wash.

Well, don’t just sit there, getting moving.

Grab your ‘fave’ bedmate, get cleaned up and then…

Go Get Laid.

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