Bring Back Bush!

SAM SHARPE

I’ve had enough of this new era. I want a return to the good old days. I want to bring back Bush. Before my left wing loony friends start frothing at the mouth, let me clarify. See, I am sick and tired of reaching into a woman’s draws and feeling nothing but flesh upon flesh. I’m tired of pubic regions more finely manicured than the lawns of Parliament Hill. I want to see, smell and feel Bush.

The first time I encountered a woman with a ‘full clean up job’ I almost freaked out. It seemed so mannered, so freakishly deliberate, so unnatural that I had to call upon all my pent up stores of sheer masculine desire to keep an erection (that’s not actually true, my dick was as hard as a rock, but I figured it would sound more dramatic if I said that). I said nothing to the woman, because I figured it was a one off occurrence.

But then woman after woman who climbed into my bed and undressed, revealed pubic zones that closely resembled something out of a Stanley Kubrick film (If you don’t know what that means then I don’t know what to tell ya’). All these carefully manicured pubic areas were leaving me unsatisfied.

Eventually, I came to learn these things had names like: the American wax that involves the removal of the top of the thighs and under the navel; the French (aka the partial Brazilian wax), which leaves only a vertical strip one to two inches in length just above the vulva; and the Brazilian, the ever popular full clean up. And there were subgroups like the Bikini Line, the Full Bikini, the Triangle, the Moustache (Is that a goatee? A handlebar?) and the Sphinx (Really? The Sphinx? Like the riddle of the Sphinx? As if we men didn’t have enough difficulty trying to figure you women out!).

The rapid disappearance of Bush got me asking questions. Why? Why do this? Every woman I asked gave vague responses about being cleaner down there or being too hairy or something. One woman even had the temerity to blame me. She claimed that she had to do it to keep up. Men were complaining about wanting to see cleaner Bush or no Bush at all. It sounded like a nuclear arms race in reverse. Instead of adding to their vag arsenal, women were depleting their cache in a mad dash to keep clean for their men.

But when and why did this happen? I’ve heard nebulous theories about the influence of porn and the popularization of the thong—the ‘Brazilianization’ of our culture if you will. I’m not an avid porn watcher, but I do recognize that there seems to be a distinct lack of Bush in porn these days. It all makes me misty eyed. I fondly remember when the rumblings of my nascent sexuality came calling and I was simultaneously exposed to porn for the first time. Those women were all fully coiffed. And I miss that. I miss it. I miss the glory days of Bush.

The woman I’m currently sleeping with has Bush. Thankfully. We’ve been sleeping together regularly for a while now. I’m not particularly attracted to her. She’s not particularly pretty, nor is her body anything to write poems about. She’s not particularly good in bed and I don’t really like kissing her.  But she’s got Bush. Healthy, hairy, grab a handful kind of Bush. I may not love her. But I love that Bush. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to end this relationship.

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