Cumfaceology

ELIZABETH ROSE

“The human face is really like one of those Oriental gods: a whole group of faces juxtaposed on different planes. It is impossible to see them all simultaneously.” – Marcel Proust

In my earliest missive I had alluded to a gentleman’s cum face as how I recognized him. Some of you have expressed surprise about this as a feature I can recall. Now beyond the obvious assumption that it does require one to be looking at your ‘exercise’ partner during his final hurrah, rather than closing your eyes and visualizing Kevin McCloud*, this is something I would encourage all ladies to pay more attention to.

You see dear readers, I have a theory. I believe that a chap’s facial twitches on orgasm are a clue to his psyche, mood and ‘natural talents’. Thus far I have identified four cum face phenotypes:

• Goldfish: an open mouthed look of surprise.
• Drowning Goldfish: as above but with the mouth opening and closing like a gaping idiot.
• Constipation: self explanatory and also most common.
• Elvis: an extremely rare expression (and my personal favourite) that involves a slow curling of the upper lip.

To date my preliminary findings indicate a correlation between these expressions of pleasure and my bedfellows’ personalities. For example, Elvises are wild and crazy types who are excellent at cunnilingus, while constipations are slow and steady, and tend to fall asleep soon after completion.

I intend to continue my research here in Canada, so I will keep you posted on the discovery of any new phenotypes or subcategories, as well as the commonalities and differences between the groups. If any of you out there are interested in assisting me with my research please feel free to contact me or leave a comment. Please know that I will happily receive any and all applications for research assistance.

*Kevin McCloud is a British “celebrity” and the presenter of a show called Grand Designs. He is also almost my ideal man. He is a very tall man with a lovely voice (very important to me) and an utterly brilliant mind. Please click on his name above if you don’t believe me. He is number 2 on my freebie five. Not that I need a freebie five as I’m single, but I believe in being prepared.

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