“Poets have hitherto been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese” – G.K. Chesterton
O MY GOD! Most upsetting and horrifying experience on Saturday! I drunken stumbled home with a reasonably attractive young Canadian (being Slutty Mc Ho-Bag) and to start with his equipment was much smaller than his stature would have suggested (I should listen to my own advice as he had very clean shoes). Then to add insult to injury, I discovered his foreskin contained a truly gopping amount of crusty knob cheese.
Picture, if you will, my Halloween horrors– we have been drunkenly fumbling around and are just getting to the good stuff…
I slip his boxers down flinging them off into the corner of his room,…
I lean forward to enjoy one of my favourite pre-shag snacks…
My hand grips his shaft and slowly I pull back his foreskin…
My eyes are closed and my mouth inches away from his helmet..
…and then this hideous smell made me gag. I look down in alarm to see a cottage cheese like substance oozing out from under his foreskin complete with some greenish tinge I can only assume was mould.
Luckily he was drunk and easily pleased, so I got away with just jacking him off while holding my free hand over my face and leaning as far back as possible. I ran straight to the bathroom to wash my hands and legged it out of there before he had time to smoke a cigarette.
For Canadian readers not knowledgeable with my vernacular, knob cheese is what will form under the foreskin of an uncircumcised man if he doesn’t clean properly. It is a mixture of dried cum and sweat.
It is foul beyond measure.
The whole experience was so horrifying I thought I might be put off sex for a while. Fortunately, all was forgotten when I met my upstairs neighbour.
Now I know I should have learnt my lesson after my London troubles with a flat mate, but this is a really big building with no shared kitchens or anything like that. Besides, Andrew (the neighbour) is hot, smart and funny. I was introduced to his cock yesterday and I am already a little smitten with it. However I have learnt some lessons – least of all that Canadian men scare easy, so I haven’t emailed, called or texted him, or done any of the other insanities I am desperate to indulge in to gain repeat access to his nether regions. I have set myself a target for noon tomorrow for a quick “breezy” email.
Does this sound ok, dear readers? Or can I just drill a hole in my ceiling this afternoon, install some stairs and surprise him with a two bed duplex apartment after work? Complete with mirrored ceiling and a love swing?
Having said that, I did send an email to the owner of the cheesy knob today; I realised I still had his business card from when we were talking at the bar, so I dropped him a very polite little note to explain how to clean his penis correctly. I warned him that if he didn’t it may rot and fall off. So lovely Toronto ladies, I have done you all a favour. Assuming he will learn the error of his ways, his next victim will have an altogether fresher, if still ‘sizably’ disappointing, experience.
7 Comments
Comment by WhenWillHarryMeetSally — November 3, 2009 @ 11:27 am
Nasty sumamabitch!!! It’s cool that you bothered to look out for him for future women. Very classy.
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Comment by MotherofPotter — November 3, 2009 @ 11:42 am
Majorly disturbing – reminds me why I only ever liked guys who were cut. And why my son was circumsized within days of being born. Seriously. How gross is this?
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Comment by Philip Docker — November 3, 2009 @ 1:53 pm
Looking on the bright side Elizabeth……just think how messy it would have been if he had a big cock instead of the tiny one’s that you seem to be always getting hold of these days.
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Comment by NonCheesyAndUncut — November 3, 2009 @ 1:58 pm
Such a gross experience, no equivalent counter-argument for lack of personal hygiene… but, dare I say, there are women with equivalent “misty” – can I say “pangy” – fragrances from nether regions out of the inappropriate frequency of soap, water or a combination of both. A piece of unsolicited free advice – moist wipes can do the trick, remove the smell and clean any surface whatever (fore)skin conditions and ballsy smells present. In addition, a good double condom (the male equivalent to a “double-bagger”) can get your oral anxiety down, whilst allowing a safer experience. And a small knob is a small knob, with or without cheese…
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Comment by Skye Blue — November 3, 2009 @ 2:40 pm
@NonCheesyAndUncut
Thank you for leaving a comment and representing for all the hygenic and uncut men out there – I’ve got much love for you all.
Since you mentioned the women out there who are equivalently ‘misty’ and/or ‘pangy’, may I direct you to a post by our very own Sam Sharpe called The Funk, that you may find interesting.
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Comment by NonCheesyAndUncut — November 4, 2009 @ 3:46 pm
@Skye Blue
Thanks for your recommended reading, and thought-provoking as it was, it still does not entirely preclude hygiene shortcomings…
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Comment by Philip Docker — November 4, 2009 @ 6:36 pm
Well here’s hoping the intrepid Elizabeth has found a satisfyingly large, protein free knob to chew on since this shocking event. To be honest, I do feel a lot of sympathy for her in her efforts to keep her hair straight, since not only does she have to carry a magnifying glass but she now has to have a geiger counter to detect contaminated knobs in her hand bag.
I am now wondering what will be next on her list of penile disasters but having gained an insight into the low standard of shagging in Canada, I am certainly glad that they have full Independence from the Mother Country and actually am thinking of getting them kicked out of the Commonwealth too. (Unless of course its the bloody French influence as we all know that their national hero was a small man, with a little cock and only one ball and they never use soap. So Elizabeth, if you meet a bloke called Napoleon, make sure you have a pair of rubber gloves and a fresh set of batteries.
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