It’s All About Eve…and Jezebel, Delilah and Bathsheba

SAM SHARPE

If there is anything that my Judeo-Christian programming upbringing, has taught me, it’s that woman is the root of all evil. Whether we’re talking about Jezebel, Delilah or the grandmamma of them all, Eve, the desire and lust for the fairer sex has led men to commit all manner of atrocities. The great King David had one of his very best generals placed in harm’s way in order to get closer to Bathsheba – the object of his lust. And because we all know that the Bible is a Holy book that couldn’t possibly be biased, fabricated or otherwise skewed, anything found within its pages is gospel, right? (Or should I say The Gospel?)

What was that you say? What could my impromptu, irreverent (and incontrovertible?) biblical chat-up have to do with the otherwise hedonistic subject matter usually covered here at Met Another Frog? Why, I’m glad you asked. Well, after swallowing (pun intended) the tripe Skye had to endure on her date with Shelby, I thought it was my duty to inform women of the world that you are largely responsible for all the Shelby’s that cross your path. Allow me to explain.

As I’ve already covered in I Feel Like F***ing, The Funk and The Power of Five – Part 1 and Part 2, straight men will do almost anything to get a young (or old) chippy into their bed. And when we’ve found a successful tactic, we recognize that there is no need to reinvent the wheel, so we tend to use the same moves over and over again.

In my case, I’ve found that being honest and straightforward works best. When I meet a woman I like, I ask her questions about herself. If interested, I continue to ask questions. If not interested, I feign interest in what she has to say (For the record more often than not, I am interested in what a woman I’m trying to chat-up has to say, but sometimes…not so much) and in most cases I take the ‘revolutionary’ step of telling the truth about myself.

If for example, my girlfriend is out of town, I’m in the club and I meet a young lady who wants to know why they call me the F’in Man I don’t pretend I’m single. I fearlessly proclaim that I have a girlfriend who just happens to be away for the weekend. Most women react with horror that I would be so bold to proposition them and go on their merry way. However, a significant minority of women have no problem bedding a man who’s spoken for, as long as the woman doing the speaking isn’t within earshot. Well, these women are my target market. My approach is designed and engineered to weed out the ‘yes I wills’ from the ‘no I wonts’.

Why do I continue to make use of this tactic? Because it works. It gets me the action when, where and how I want it, which brings us back to Shelby. After reading about Skye’s experience I’m sure that most of you were mortified, and found yourself wondering why any man would think asking a woman if she swallows on a first date was an appropriate course of action. The answer is simple. Experience taught Shelby that it is indeed an appropriate course of action. Not experience hanging out with his boys (and seeing that he’d rather watch YouTube than meet people I’m guessing he doesn’t have many boys to hang with), but experience interacting with women.

If every woman Shelby encountered treated his tactics with the scorn, derision and disdain they deserve he would quickly find a new approach. But because many women engage him or worse yet are flattered by his awkward, mongoose-like approach Shelby will continue asking women about their favourite position instead of asking them about their favourite author. Ladies, if you don’t want a Shelby in your life, what you need to do is stop letting men like him get anywhere near your privates.

Let me be clear about something. I consider myself to be a gentleman, and I am personally offended by Shelby’s manoeuvres. Don’t think for a second that am I absolving him of any of the responsibility for his odious behaviour. However, I also recognize that he is a pathetic and poor excuse for a man, who has been conditioned to behave the way he does.

We all can’t be like King David and eliminate our romantic rivals. We all aren’t as (un)fortunate as Adam to have Eve all to ourselves and thereby not have to employ tactics (be they honourable or dishonourable) to snare a woman. But we all do what works. Please ladies, for the benefit of us all, show the Shelby’s of the world that you can’t get ass, by being an ass.

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