Riding the Wave

SAM SHARPE

The debate was passionate, intense and explosive. The subject was crass, juvenile, superficial and trivial. We, specifically James, Randy, Louis and I, were debating whether or not we would rather sleep with a woman who was really obese or one who was a bone rack. It all started because I’d joked that I was the United Nations of romantic hookups, a veritable Lady Liberty of sex—“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses…” I’ve been with short ones, tall ones, old ones, young ones, ESLers, multilinguals (in more ways than one!) hot ones, lukewarm ones and frigid ones. I’ve done it all. Or so I thought. While we were falling over ourselves laughing at my foolishness, mi compadre Louis chimed in and said:

riding waves “I bet none of you have ever fucked a fat chick?”

It soon became clear that we each had different definitions of what it meant to be “fat”, “big” or “obese”. Women who I might describe as thick or solid (and attractive as hell) were considered too fat by some. Randy loved his women really skinny, stating that he loved when women bared their midriff and wore low rise slacks so that he could see the hipbones jutting out. He also told us that he tried his best not to sleep with women whose thighs actually touch (to this day I try to tell myself that he was exaggerating). James nodded in agreement and threw in an “Amen Brother” while Randy was pontificating.

Anyway, Louis proceeded to tell us a story about Anne, a woman he met online who turned out to be a lot larger in person than her photos suggested. According to Louis, he went ahead and slept with her anyway (they were both looking for a casual encounter). Now Louis is a big guy—he’s 6’2 and about 200lbs—and he said that Anne was a lot bigger than him.

How big?

“Man, she was so big that when I was on top of her I could barely get my hands down on the bed. It was like riding a wave.”

Now I haven’t been with a woman that large, but I have spent some time with a few thicker ladies and I’ve spent some time with several skinny girls. So if forced to choose, I think I would take the lady with the extra pounds. Here are a few reasons why:

At the risk of sounding silly, but just like a barbecue or a couch, a little extra meat/cushion is always better.
Bones are good for flavouring soup, and not much else…
They fill out tight jeans (I know you can’t tell, but I was smiling as I wrote that).