Rise of the Starfish: A Sexual Problem of Pandemic Proportions?

SKYE BLUE

I was at my girl C’s house reasonin’ about events of the day when the topic of young starlets and sex tapes came up. It seemed to us that in recent years ‘leaked’ sex tapes were launching careers in Hollywood the same way glossy nude photo spreads in Playboy used to. In an effort to understand how a sex tape could elevate someone to celebrity status C and I decided to do a little research.

C quickly booted up her laptop and typed ‘Kim Kardashian sex tape’ into the search bar on Google. Once we found a site that actually had the tape, we started the short video clip. Rather naively we both anticipated viewing some scorchin’ hot action, featuring Kim throwing down like a porn star. So, you can imagine our horror when a minute or more into the clip Kim was still just laying there while Ray Jay pumped her like a flat tire.

‘My God, she’s not even moving!’ C exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air. ‘Have we been working too hard in bed all this time Skye?’

‘Apparently,’ I replied, transfixed by Kim’s vacant eyes staring into the camera as she lay on her stomach beneath her man, moaning wantonly. ‘Maybe most guys like it that way?

‘Skye please. My man would go on strike if I made him work like that.’ C shook her head from side to side. ‘It’s girls like her that give the rest of us a bad name. Poor Ray Jay’s workin’ like a beast, while she’s laying there like a–.’

‘Starfish, C. Kim Kardashian’s made it big in Hollywood by playing the role of a starfish – really well.’

‘Indeed.’ C powered off her laptop, signalling her dismay. ‘And it’s a damn shame.’

After seeing Kim in relative ‘inaction’ I decided to do an informal survey by asking my boys how often they encountered ‘starfish’— women whose active participation in coitus is limited to showing up and getting naked for the event.

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Girls, I’m sad to report that man after man told me that many of their sexual partners did little to nothing besides ‘fluffing’ them and then quickly assuming the position of the day. And more than a few of my male friend’s complained that their women were loathe to initiate sex; provided blowjobs grudgingly; and didn’t seem inclined to take on their ‘fair share of the responsibility’ for achieving the ever elusive female orgasm.

By the completion of my survey, I had to concede (as The F’in Man predicted) that the numbers of starfish among us seemed to be nearing pandemic proportions. Of the 22 men I queried over ¾ said they’d encountered a starfish in their adulthood, and 14 (that’s almost 64% girls) said they’d had a starfish in their bed within the last 12 months.

Based on the shocking results of my survey I have to assume that some of my readers are, have been or know starfishes. If this is the case, I can only guess that there must be some damn good reasons for choosing to approach sex in such a passive way. So, for those of you who fall into one of the aforementioned camps I have a few questions:

1. Why are so many of we women ‘falling down on the job’ in our boudoirs according to the men in our lives?
2. Just how many starfish are out there?
3. Would you consider being labelled a starfish an insult?
4. If you think you may be a starfish, would you be willing to broach the subject with your partner or have him broach it with you?
5. Is being starfish a chronic condition or can it be overcome with ‘training’?
6. Is the affliction partner and/or situation specific?
7. What is the root cause of ‘starfish-ism’? Not knowing what to do? Being told that sex is dirty and unladylike by a well-intentioned mother? A lack of self-confidence? Not enjoying sex at all? All of the above? None of the above?
8. Are women who gleefully and actively participate in bedroom gymnastics part of a very small minority?

Dear readers please forward your comments to help me to understand why so many liberated, sexy and beautiful women out there are suffering from this condition.

Thanking you in advance for your assistance,

Skye

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