Sharing Bodily Functions

ELIZABETH ROSE

“I’ve never shied away from a good fart joke.” – Eugene Levy

Bodily functions are pretty funny. I’m English so I find toilet humour amusing even though I left high school behind long ago.

But…

There are certain instances where it isn’t big, it isn’t clever and it isn’t funny. Generally this is true for any professional situation, but in my case it is also true for my lovers. If you pass wind – why on earth do you think I’d want to put my face down there? So yes – farting directly leads to a reduction in frequency and/or duration of blowjobs.

Flatulence isn’t the only bodily function I take issue with. Spitting – it’s disgusting. Why show me you have an excess of saliva? It’s going to put me off kissing you. (Not to mention being seen with you in public.)

No one needs to be reminded of the downside to poor hygiene – just because I’ve put it in my mouth before, doesn’t mean I don’t expect it to be clean, pristine and well groomed. So why do some lovers get so damn lazy?!?

A dear friend of mine has been complaining bitterly in recent days about her boyfriend’s very lax bedroom presentation. This man farts in front of her, picks his nose without shame, and even pisses with the door open. Then he whines about her lack of libido. Seriously?!

What I find hilarious about all of this is that while she is complaining about his disgusting habits, she bemoans the loss of her sex drive in the same breath. It amazes me that the rather obvious link hasn’t been identified by either of them.

For the record ’sharing’ bodily functions with your love isn’t indicative of having an easy comfort with each other. It’s a sign of being taken for granted and isn’t something I hold much truck with. So dear gents – if you are ever fortunate enough to be a regular on my bedroom roster, please keep that magic alive!

• Don’t fart;
• Don’t pick your nose;
• Close the door to the bathroom;
• Wash it first;
• Keep the forestry in check; and
• Never engage me in a conversation about your health or lack of it.

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