Simone: Overzealous Nympho or Pseudo-Stalker?

SAM SHARPE

I met Simone through an acquaintance at one of my cousin Lisa’s annual barbecues. Simone stood about 5′2″, was thick in the thighs, with pretty brown eyes and legs that wouldn’t quit. Anyway, she tickled my fancy and I tickled hers so we started doing a little pinch and tickle on the side.

She was in a messy situation with an ex who she still lived with, though they were trying to sort out a new living situation (I seem to have a pattern of engaging with women in ahem “delicate” or “complicated” situations. I should probably look into that, right?). As a result, we could only hook up at my place (a fact that would’ve have annoyed immensely if it weren’t for my great home bed advantage – but I digress). It was a pretty casual situation but the action was nice. It was very, very nice.

Anyway, things with Simone and I rolled along smoothly for quite some time. But we ran into some problems when my very tight work and social calendar got even tighter. One night, as she was leaving my place after one of our hookups, I said…

“Hey, this week is going to be insanely busy for me. I have a lot of work and family ish going on. But, we’ll touch base real soon, alright?”

“No worries dude, I’m good. We can catch up whenever,” she said, as she opened my front door.

“Cool,” I said, bending down to kiss her cheek.

She winked at me and smiled, then was gone.

The very next morning, I woke to the sound of my cell phone ringing. I rolled over, looked at the number, registered that it was Simone’s and then went right back to sleep. When I got up a few hours later I saw that she’d left a message. Here’s what that message said…

“I freed up some time in my schedule tonight. Do you have time to hang later?”

I scratched my head in confusion. Didn’t I tell her I was busy?

I figured I would call her later in the day when I had a free moment. About 4pm that same afternoon Simone sent me a text asking if I had received her earlier message. I fired off a reply, explaining that I did receive the message, but that I wouldn’t have any time for the next few days. “Cool” came back in response, moments later.

The very next afternoon my cell phone starts vibrating. I check the message. It’s Simone – again.

Her text read, “Just wondering if you have time for me today?”

Is she kidding? Didn’t I…

I sent a simple reply. “No”. I figured she would get the message, the third time around. I was wrong. The next day while I was out with my cousin Lisa, Simone called again. I didn’t bother to answer (because by now I was more than a little pissed), and she left yet another message.

“Hey Sam, was just checking to see what’s up today…Hoping you could squeeze me in for an hour or two and break me off?”

This shit is getting stupid.

Okay. I would love to believe that my pipe laying skills are so on point that it would warrant a woman running me down like this, but even I am not that full of myself. Nevertheless, I am quite confident in my abilities to recognize crazy, needy, and/or shameless behaviour, when I see it, and that last voicemail pushed me over the edge. Visions of her healthy physique wrapped up in my sheets and memories of how well she worked the middle aside, enough was enough. I knew I was finished.

As luck would have it, I didn’t hear from her until (you guessed it) the next morning.

Bzzzzz. Bzzzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzz.

Another text message. This time, Simone was telling me that she was going to try and give it another go with her live in ex-boyfriend. She thanked me for my “help” and said hopefully we would still be able to be friends.

Fina-fucking-ly.

A couple of months later I had totally forgotten about Simone. Any memories of her body, which once had me so shook, had long faded into the recesses of my mind. My attentions were now focused on Annik, a truly enchanting and intelligent woman, who had actually got me thinking about getting out of the game (did I just write that?). I was out with her one evening when my phone starting buzzing. I apologized to Annik for the intrusion and read the new text message in my inbox.

“Hey Sexy, I was hoping we could discuss starting our arrangement again. Don’t you miss me? Simone.”

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