Swallow: An Online Dating Story

SKYE BLUE

‘So what do you like?’ Shelby said, shooting me a toothy smile.

He can’t possibly be going there. I put my fork down. ‘Are you referring to sex?’

Shelby nodded, not skipping a beat, as he sipped his aphrodisiac shake. (Perhaps I should’ve seen this coming?).

This man actually thinks he is going to get laid tonight. ‘Don’t you think that question is a bit much on a first date?’

‘Come on, we’re just talking. You afraid to talk about it?’

A challenge? Bring it on dude.  I smiled. ‘No. I just don’t think discussing that in a crowded restaurant is appropriate.’ I glanced at the couple sitting only four inches away from our table. ‘So why don’t we keep it light until we finish eating and take this discussion outside?’

Shelby grinned. ‘Ooooo. I like that. You must have something real interesting to share.’ Then in what I can only assume was his effort to keep it ‘light’, he launched into a monologue about his acting career. As I listened to him drone on I thought back to how thrilled I’d been when he first contacted me.

Shelby and I first connected six days earlier on an online dating site, when he sent me a message that read, “Girl, you look good. Keep on doing what you are doing.” The image attached to Mr. Supafly77’s message was of a man who was blazin’ hot, so I clicked on his screen name. He had dark bedroom eyes, full lips, caramel coloured skin and a perfectly chiseled 6’2” physique. As I pointed and clicked my way through the dozen or so shots on his page, it seemed that each picture was better than the one before. So, I hurriedly responded with, “I hope you aren’t just going to compliment me and disappear.” To my surprise his answer, “I never flirt and run,” came back seconds later.

Within a couple of hours we were on the phone quizzing each other. During our discussion Shelby (Mr. Supafly77’s real name) informed me that he had ambitions becoming an actor. I also learned that like me, he was a fitness buff and a vegetarian. We had a lot in common, and our phone chats in the days before we met were good. Having said that, if I’m completely honest with myself there were a few times when I ignored the sirens that went off in my head when he said things like…

“Keeping friends is a waste of time. I’d rather stay at home by myself and catch jokes on YouTube.”

Now, sitting across the table from Shelby, I was kicking myself for letting lust override my better judgment – yet again.

Within a few minutes of meeting him at Fresh on Queen, I discerned that he was not the brightest star in the night sky, and the roaring flames of my desire quickly waned to dim, cool embers. After studying the menu for upwards of ten minutes Shelby declared, ‘This is all like French to me.’

‘Did you look at their burgers?’ I said, wondering if he was really a vegetarian.

Ignoring my suggestion, Shelby called our waitress over. ‘I can’t figure this menu out. Can you suggest something?’

Our waitress, with a heart of gold and the patience of a kindergarten teacher, talked him through virtually every entrée on the menu, before he finally ordered a burger with yam fries. I ordered a salad and sat back in my chair waiting to see what he would do next.

For a few moments he was silent, turning in his chair to look around the busy restaurant. Then as he turned back toward me he said, ‘It’s really artsy in here.’

Wow. This guy is so not an actor. ‘We’re on Queen West in a vegetarian restaurant.’

‘Yeah, maybe I don’t get out as much as I should.’ He smiled at me and leaned back in his chair.

Just then our waitress came hustling towards us with our food. As soon as she put his plate down in front of him Shelby dug in, and he didn’t bother to look up again until he had finished more than half of his meal – a mere 3 minutes later. He stopped eating just long enough to call our waitress over so he could order another burger. Then he went right back to gorging himself with what little of his food remained. As I watched him I was struck by the fact that the only thing more off-putting than watching a man inhaling a large burger and heap of yam fries, was the prospect of having to watch him do it twice (sigh).

Thirty minutes later when he had finished his second plate of food he wiped his hands on his crumpled napkin and said, ‘You done eating?’

I looked down at my nearly full bowl of salad. ‘I guess.’

‘Let’s go then.’ He got up and put some money down on the table. ‘I’m anxious to hear what you have to say.’

When we got outside I pointed towards the park. ‘Do you want to walk and talk?’

‘Sure,’ Shelby said, matching my stride. ‘So, what you got to say that’s so hot you couldn’t tell me inside?’

God, he thinks he’s slick. ‘You’re not going to let that one go are you?’

Shelby looked at me and shook his head vigorously. ‘I’m waiting.’

‘Hmmm…’ I said, trying to figure out a way to deflect his B.S., as we entered the park. ‘Isn’t what a person enjoys sexually partially dependent on the partner they have?’

Shelby hissed his teeth. ‘Come on, there must be something you really like no matter who you’re with.’ He paused for a moment, then his eyes lit up and he blurted, ‘What about doggie style? Do you like that?’

I can’t believe that I’m having this conversation. ‘No.’

For a moment, he looked deflated and I could almost smell the rubber burning as he searched his mind for what to say next.

‘That’s too bad, it’s one of my favourite positions.’

Hooray for you. I kept my eyes fixed on my feet as we walked along the path. Shelby regrouped and tried again.

‘Well, I like it, because I can go for a long time that way and women seem to enjoy that. But sometimes they get upset because, I don’t… you know.’

‘You don’t what?’ My interest was piqued, despite myself.

‘Let’s just say, some women have cried because they haven’t been able to satisfy me. Shelby nodded at me and winked. ‘Even after three hours.’

Wait! Did I miss my cue to start begging you for the opportunity to show you that I can please you? ‘Really?’ I said, fighting to stifle my laughter.

‘Yeah. I feel real bad when it happens.’ Shelby raised a sympathetic eyebrow. ‘So what do you like to do to please a man?’

Come on dude, give it up. ‘Like I said before I think it depends on the person you’re dealing with.’

Shelby frowned at me in what I can only assume was exasperation. ‘Girl, stop holding out on me. There must be something you really like doing for men.’

Okay, try this one for size. I stopped walking, turned to face him, and then bit my bottom lip. ‘Well Shelby, I really love giving BJs.’

Shelby stared at me for a long while, and then cleared his throat. ‘Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. That’s definitely a good way to make your man happy.’ He jammed his hands into the pockets of his jeans and shifted his weight on his feet.

‘So, do you…swallow?’

No one is ever going to believe this story! ‘No, and before you ask why, it’s because I don’t like it.’ I turned away from him and continued along the path.

‘Oh. Well, maybe you shou-’ Shelby’s voice trailed off.

‘What should I do?’ This is going to be good.

‘You should try swallowing a vegetarian. I’m sure you’d like it then.’

This time I couldn’t contain my laughter. Can he really be this dense?

‘Why are you laughing?’ Shelby glared at me, nostrils flaring. ‘What is so damn funny?’

But I couldn’t answer him. I was laughing so hard I had to sit down on a park bench. I laughed until my sides ached, until it hurt to breathe. Apparently, my laughter was too much for Shelby to take, because he quickly conceded defeat.

‘Whatever. I’m out,’ he said flatly, as he turned on his heel and walked away.

Strangely enough dear readers, Shelby and I never had a second date.

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