The First Time

SAM SHARPE

Can you name any one thing that ratchets up the pressure, intensity and sense of expectation in a relationship more than the first time you fuck make love? I sure can’t. In fact, hindsight suggests that in some of my relationships the anticipation that bubbled and seethed before consummation may have been the highlight. Either way, nothing gets you humming like the first time you…

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But the first time is also rife with danger. It is a key point in the relationship. It can make you or break you. If you’ve gotten far enough to believe you’ll be gettin’ some you’ve probably successfully passed the first kiss test, which means you didn’t treat her face and mouth like a popsicle. (That said, if you happen to have a really sloppy kissing technique and you’ve got a girl, you’re either: 1.super hot, 2.super wealthy or 3. she’s super desperate). So the first time in the sack could determine the longevity of your relationship.

My first time with a girl we’ll call Kim was particularly memorable. That’s not a good thing. I’m not going to get into the particulars but let’s just say that as we lay there in the afterglow of what was (by my standards at least) a mediocre session, Kim decided to start talking about past lovers and how I measured up both in terms of endowment and performance. Most of what Kim said would be construed by a lot of men as flattering, but I was horrified. Since we weren’t facing each other, I guess she couldn’t see the distress and shock written on my face. Needless to say I didn’t see any long term potential in Kim. (Between Kim, Christine and Simone I’m starting to think I really have piss poor taste in women).

Here are a few other things to consider when stepping up to the plate for the first time:

1. Being selfish isn’t a good look. You’d think this goes without saying, but I’ve heard too many of my female friends (I’m looking at you Skye and Elizabeth Rose) bitch and moan about men whose short and long game were shabby the first time out. The first time is like a job interview. Gentlemen, best foot forward please.

2. Ladies, you’re not getting off the hook though either. When dating someone new PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG PANTIES AT HOME. In the laundry basket. Where they belong. Full coverage is for sun tan lotion, insurance and acne cream. Not panties.

3. The first time out is not the time to be experimenting. The vag and the mouth are the only orifices that are guaranteed to be on the table. No stray fingers please. Think about it this way. If you were paying an escort for their services you would have to negotiate ahead of time and determine what was on the menu. So why would you treat a potential mate with any less courtesy? So all the rimming and pegging that we talked about during fringe month is not acceptable without prior consent.

4. Safe sex please. Nuff said.

5. If you have control over the mood music, say NO to Kenny G and YES to Al Green (Check ‘Simply Beautiful’. It’s a stone cold winner. ).

6. Personal hygiene is a must – that’s all I’m going to say. However, if you need further clarification check out Basic Sex Etiquette Vol. 2

If done right the first time can lay the groundwork for the creation of an amazing relationship. If done poorly, you just might get written about on a blog.

So folks, I’ve offered up my best suggestions for making the first time you hit the sheets with your new love successful. Any of you out there have ideas you can share for ensuring a smooth and memorable first time?

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