I Feel Like F***ing

SAM SHARPE

I collect female friends the way some women collect designer shoes or the latest must have purse. Some of these women are current flames, others are former flames, some were flames than never ignited, and a few are women who for various reasons I only wanted to have as friends. But at some point every one of these women has asked me this question:

“Why don’t men share their feelings with us?”

I’ve answered this question in several ways through the years. I’ve tried being honest, I’ve tried telling them what I thought they wanted to hear and I’ve tried changing the subject. None of these approaches were satisfactory. When I was honest (stating that we don’t share our feeling with women because we’ve come to learn that more often than not women don’t really care what we feel) an argument ensued. When I lied (stating that we realize we are not as in touch with our emotions as you all are, and we don’t possess the vocabulary to express our selves to you— so instead, we go out drinking with our boys) an argument ensued. Or I spent the rest of the night being lectured on how to express myself better, you know, like a woman – which I assure you was more often than not worse than the argument. And when I tried to change the subject (Oh, I don’t know—hey you want to go out tonight, isn’t it cheap night at the movies?) an argument ensued.

And you see, all men know this. All men know that there is not an adequate response to this question. And that an inadequate response is the wrong response. And that the wrong response means an upset woman. And that an upset woman means no sex. And no sex is to be avoided at all costs. So men end up trying to avoid the quagmire that is the “what are you feeling?” question.

Now, I’m not going to waste your valuable time discussing why men and women express their feelings differently because this subject has been covered ad nauseum by therapists, advice columnists, and mothers all over the world. But I will let you women know how to figure out what your man is thinking and/or feeling without even having to ask.

If your man feels like talking, he will talk. If your man feels hungry, he’ll eat. If your man wants to fuck, he’ll mount you. If your man thinks your fat, he’ll never try to mount you.  In some ways, it’s all about mounting you and fucking you. Not because men don’t care about anything else. We actually want to let you know how we feel. But because we know we often fail to express ourselves in a manner that you women find acceptable and this situation too often leads us into the no sex zone, we try to get straight to the sex. By doing this, we get our sexual and intimate desires met and we let you know that we love you while doing it (YAY!!! Everybody wins!).

So what am I trying to tell you ladies? FUCK. YOUR. MAN. If you want to know how your man feels; get him hot, get him hard, and get him often. Oh, and about all those women I’ve collected as friends through the years—I’ve wanted to fuck them all (yes I’m a pig, I know I’m a pig). And any time they asked me what I was feeling, the first thing in my mind was…

“Will my answer lead to arguing or fucking?”

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