Which of the following is true?

a. Sam Sharpe enjoys being pegged.

b. Sam Sharpe enjoys being choked.

c. Sam Sharpe enjoys being spanked.

d. Sam Sharpe enjoys being gagged.

______ ended a relationship with me and called me a freak because I asked her to ___________. The fact that she got turned on by the idea of me f***ing other people while she watched or that she used regular household items as dildos or that she loved to receive facials didn’t make her a freak. But my simple request to _______ apparently was enough for her to throw that final parting barb my way.

Two things about this. One, I don’t mind being called a freak. However, I do mind the term freak being used in a pejorative sense. Two, these things really are relative. I mean I was planning to get all self-righteous and blast _______ for being judgmental and then metanotherfrog’s powers that be decided that we were going to talk about breath play. And part of me freaked out.

Breath play? You mean, erotic asphyxiation? I know what you’re thinking. “C’mon Sam, we already know that you’re open minded. You just told us that last week. Plus, after reading this how could you possibly be threatened by a little breath play whether done with a partner or self-administered? And since we know all of this, we’re sure you’re blowing smoke up our ass.” (Blowing smoke up your ass huh? Now that might be something I could get behind.)

Well you’re only half right. It’s not the run of the mill jerkin’ off with a belt around my neck or pounding you while you strangle me that gets me a little nervous. It’s the other stuff that makes me quiver. It’s the less conventional stuff that gives me pause. It’s stuff like this (NSFW). And this (NSFW).

Let me be clear here. I’m not claiming that there is anything wrong with any of these activities. Its just been a long time since a sexual act, behaviour or predilection truly made me a little nervous. And this feeling made me reconsider the ire that I directed at ______ for calling me a freak. Because though I don’t believe in attaching negative attitudes to any person’s sexual tastes and desires, I could relate to her discomfort.

Plus, the more I perused the sights, the more open I became. Now, I’m not likely to ever get all rubbered up and shit, nor am I likely to get aroused by it, but I think I can see how someone else would. And maybe that’s what bothered me most about _______’s words; I mean she didn’t have to be into _______ but she didn’t need to judge either. Oh, and about that quiz, the answer is e. – none of the above. But I’ve got an open mind.

I awaken to touch, and then confusion.

I feel the ghost of a caress on my neck and my breath catchs in my throat.

My eyes are still closed, and in the darkness I reach out to you.

My hand finds the arm of my chair. My eyes open.

I feel your touch again, and my body sinks into it.

My shoulder pressing firmly against the chair.

I look over, you are not you. You are a stranger sleeping next to me on the plane.

Your touch is not your touch; it is the hot breath of the form sleeping next to me.

Disappointed, I close my eyes to sleep again.

But the caress continues.

I feel the lightest touch against my throat from this stranger’s breath.

My pulse quickens.

I lean my body in towards the stranger.

His breath plays across my exposed flesh.

I feel goose bumps form across the bare skin of my chest.

With my eyes closed – each of his breaths are your fingertips, tracing from my ear lobe towards the swell of my breasts.

I feel my nipples harden.

I lift my hand to trace the line of your touch.

And as if I was physically struck, suddenly I miss you.

I remember our last night together, and wonder why am I flying away from you.

My hand hovers over my heart while the breath of the stranger dances over my skin.

The memory of you fills my senses.

I.

Miss.

Your.

Cock.

With a sideward glance I check to make sure stranger is still sleeping.

I undo the top two buttons of my blouse.

I turn away from the aisle and towards the sleeping stranger.

As his breath sweeps across my chest, I manoeuvre my hand  beneath my blouse to gently cup my breast, freeing it from the lace of my bra.

The stranger’s breath now rushes over my erect nipple.

I check again.

The stranger sleeps and my flesh is hidden from other passengers.

I slide my hand under the fabric of the aeroplane blanket.

I am surprised to feel the wetness between my legs.

I close my eyes.

I let visions you fill my mind.

The stranger’s breath is your mouth, my hand is your hand.

The stranger’s breath is your hand, my hand is your hand.

The stranger’s breath is your hand, my hand is your mouth.

I.

Miss.

Your.

Cock.

My fingers are not yours, but they play out the same path.

I arch my back as the sensation builds.

I am lost in the moment.

I am lost in you.

Your hand joins mine.

Your fingers take over. Reaching deeper, rubbing faster.

I gasp, but the sound is lost as your lips cover mine.

Your kiss lifts me, and as you move your mouth to my exposed nipple, I bite my lip to stifle my moan.

I lift my hips to your hand to take you deeper, to take all of you.

I.

Miss.

Your.

Cock.

Your teeth draw out my nipple; your other hand massages my breast exquisitely.

My breath stops.

I crest, deliciously, marvellously, exhilaratingly; I crest and ride a wave of you.

As I reach the shallows of you, I exhale.

Your hand slows and stills.

Your mouth leaves my chest, and you rearrange my bra and blouse to cover me.

I sigh into your mouth as you gently kiss me good night.

Without opening my eyes, I draw up the blanket, and turn away from the stranger.

My body is spent, and begging for rest.

“Sweet dreams” a voice says in my ear that is not yours.

I feel the stranger shift in his seat and lean back into his chair.

I close my eyes and smile.

I sleep and I dream of you.

In Part 1 of my interview with Blackie Chan, he discussed the obstacles Asian men face in the adult entertainment industry and his hopes for their mainstream acceptance as sex symbols in our society. In today’s post we continue the conversation and get into the nitty gritty of being a porn star, how it impacts his perceptions of women and sex, and the pride he takes in his work.

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SB: How did you feel when you shot your first porn scene?

BC: I remember not being able to sleep even one minute the night before. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I was about to do. The entire day I fought to stay awake by consuming coffee, chocolate, and energy drinks. Part of me wanted some more time to think it over. The other half of me wanted to just get it over with. I had my doctor prescribe me some Viagra, just in case I wasn’t “up” for the challenge, but I decided not to take the little blue pill. I wanted to do it naturally.

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SB: So you were really nervous?

BC: I was as nervous as hell. I was afraid that my first co-star might criticize me for a poor performance. Or worse, she might tell other girls that I was a bad fuck – which would be a really bad thing.

Fortunately, it was not like that. My co-star, India Summers was very calm, understanding, and mature about it. She’s an experienced veteran porn actress. She knew it was my first time, and was willing to guide me through the whole process. If I did something right or wrong, she’d let me know. She wasn’t afraid to take the lead in certain positions that I was having trouble with. And she told me I could stop for a moment if I ever felt uncomfortable.

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SB: What did you think when you watched the playback of your first scene?

BC: That I did well for a beginner. But I was disappointed in myself for not making it look enjoyable. I looked very tense and nervous throughout the scene. The expression on my face was more like a fierce stare, than a look of pleasure. Whenever I spoke, you could barely hear my voice. I had to turn the volume way up to hear what I was saying. India Summers’ voice was loud and clear, but mine was too faint to understand.

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SB: Has being an adult film star changed the way you view/think about sex?

BC: One thing you learn quickly when doing porn, is to develop your oral sex skills. This is very important with any woman to make her hot, so that she will be in the right mood for the hard pounding of intercourse.

Porn sex is not the same as real life intimacy sex. When I am having porn sex, I need to tilt my body at an angle so the camera can see the act of penetration. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable and it’s hard to keep an erection in that position. But I’m getting better at it with every scene I do.

Porn acting has given me a lot more confidence, knowing that I can perform solidly under these circumstances. I can rewind the tape to see what I look like, act and sound on camera. I know what I need to change about myself, and that I need to be more bold and assertive in front of a woman.

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SB: Has working in the porn industry changed your view of women? If yes, how so?

BC: It’s taught me that sex is just sex and women are just women. I can have great sex with just about any woman I am with no matter what her race, age, shape, etc. It does not matter if she’s a 20 year old super model, or a 40 year old soccer mom. It always feels great when I embrace her feminine with my masculine.

The media teaches men to worship female beauty, to set the bar higher than is realistically possible. As if superficial beauty equates to having incredible sex in bed, but it doesn’t.  Outer beauty is just a commodity that men chase after like a sports car or a 50 foot yacht. But now I try to find the real beauty in women.

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SB: What is the most exciting  thing about being a porn star and what would you say is the most challenging thing?

BC: I think this is more of a guy thing, but I enjoy having sex without the usual strings attached. There’s a part of me that gets a thrill from banging a woman I just met. Especially if she’s the type that I don’t usually get to meet, like a punk rocker, surfer girl, hippie artist, or from an exotic country. It’s definitely a memorable experience.

The most challenging part of being a porn star is being consistent in bed, time after time. Most people have sex depending on their mood, if you are stressed out from work, tired from a weekend hike, or you aren’t attracted to your co-star you won’t perform at your best. But perform you must, because the show must go on. The producers don’t cut you any slack. None at all. They want the scene to run like clockwork. They rent the location by the hour. If you’re a man, you are expected cum on command right down to the minute.

This was hard for me initially. My personal life and issues sometimes get the best of me. Sometimes I came too quickly. Sometimes I couldn’t shoot at all without masturbating myself.

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SB: What is the best scene you’ve ever shot?

BC: That would be my first scene with India Summer. I had a chance to do some fun role playing: I played a major league baseball player, and she played a female sports reporter. I’ve always fantasized about being a pro athlete and attracting beautiful women. Unfortunately I was more academic rather than athletic growing up. That’s something that role playing does, it helps you feel better about who you are in reality.

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SB: What is the one thing you can tell our readers about working in the porn industry that they wouldn’t know – something that shocked you when you first learned of it?

BC: It was hard for me to believe that the women in porn LOVE having sex, with men or women. They are all just super horny individuals. Yes, some of them do it for the money, but those women don’t last very long in the industry. I’ve met quite a few porn starlets who live on the East coast and fly to L.A. every weekend to perform. I’m like “How can you handle all that commuting? You need to board a plane every week to get to work?” I mean, these women were literally living out of one big suitcase. But they really love the porn lifestyle, so they do it gladly.

And I found out that the men, for some odd reason tend to LOSE their passion for sex. And I’m like, “How can you not love your job? You get to fuck the daylights out of all these super hot women.” Then they all tell me the same thing. The pleasure of having sex with many beautiful women eventually wears off, and then the job becomes nothing more than a pay check. Some of them can’t have normal relationships with their partner anymore. Many of them are dating or married to porn actresses because they can’t relate to anyone else. Most of them want to quit.

Fortunately, I haven’t gotten to that point yet. And I don’t know if I ever will. I enjoy making porn too much, and watching myself on screen.

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SB: By the end of your career, what do you hope your impact or legacy will be with respect to the view of Asian men in the porn industry?

BC: Before I was a male performer, I was, and still am a porn viewer. I remember when I was 12, looking at the magazines of nude women under my father’s mattress. That’s when I first discovered my sexual fantasies and masturbation. But for some reason, whenever the woman was shown having sex with a man, it was always a white man. Same thing with the porn videos, the women only had sex with white men, even if she was Asian. I think not seeing any Asian men in porn when I was younger took away my self esteem and made me feel inadequate as a kid. Back then, I was too young to understand the racial bias that exists in the entertainment industry. But even as a boy I knew that I would trade a hundred porn films featuring white men for one video with an Asian man in it. Now I can finally become that Asian man. I will never work for someone if it involves degrading or insulting my own people. As odd as it sounds, at the end of the day I work for pride.

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SB: Any final thoughts you’d like to share with our readers?

BC: For me, what I do is art. It is the conflict between the male and the female, the expression of mutual desire, all the secret fantasies that we hold back on a daily basis, and all our repressed sexual lust. When you watch an adult film, all these things are exposed for you to see in a raw form. That is what I want to bring out and show to the world.

I believe that I am an artist. I write my own scenes, I put together the costumes and props, and choose the actresses and locations that will fit into my story line. It is how I express myself without worrying about censorship or any other constraints to my creativity.

Intimacy can be made into art and that’s what I’m trying to do. For me the sex is really secondary. And to tell you the truth, it isn’t always that great.

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FIN

SKYE BLUE

Back in April the theme was Sex Myths and Pet Peeves and during that month we tackled the myths concerning race and penis size. Never to be outdone, the lovely Elizabeth Rose penned her piece Where Are All the Asian Porn Stars?; in which she lamented the fact that she wasn’t able to find adult films that featured Asian men to add to her extensive and ever growing collection.

Well folks, none of us expected what happened next.

A trio of straight male Asian porn stars (who we would have never discovered in our many and varied Google searches for ‘Asian male porn actors’ ), namely Keni Styles, Hung Lo and Blackie Chan, answered Elizabeth’s call – proof positive that the age old adage “ask and you shall receive” actually works. And so…

Mr. Blackie Chan

After watching all the action in the comments from the sidelines, perusing some porn (what?! It was research?) and taking a brief foray into the SLAC discussion forum (I bumped into Zoe and Falco while I was there), I finally got up the nerve to ask Blackie Chan for an interview. To my delight he said yes. So, without further ado, I give you Blackie Chan, a real live and very straight Asian male adult film star…

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Blackie Chan is based in Southern California, where he works part-time as an adult film star in the San Fernando Valley area (aka The Great American Porn Belt). He got his start in the adult film industry in December 2009 and since that time he has appeared in six productions. To date his work has been featured on SLAC, a site owned and operated by his friend and fellow adult film star Hung Lo.

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SB: Why did you choose to become an adult film star and was it a tough decision to make?

BC: It did require a lot of thinking, but I knew it was something I wanted to at least try in my life. I’ve always been open minded. Choosing to work in the adult film industry was like an experiment to find out how far I could expand my horizons.

It all started in the internet chat forums. It was there that I first heard about a casting call for a Bukkake shoot. It was open to any man who wanted to participate. That was kind of my initiation, a test to see if I could perform on an actual adult movie set. And I did alright.

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SB: You mentioned in a previous discussion that your family and close friends don’t know about your new career and that you are leading a “double life” so to speak. I imagine this must be difficult for you. Do you think porn has changed the way you relate to the people in your life?

BC: No, I keep my personal life separate from my porn life. I still treat all my friends and family the same way as I always have, with kindness and respect.

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SB: Is hiding such a big part of your life hard on you?

BC: Yeah, I have to carefully balance my work schedule with my porn schedule. Sometimes I will do a scene with a girl and afterwards I have to drive to an important business meeting across town. With L.A. traffic the way it is, I find myself making up some clever excuses for being late.

Sometimes my family or friends might find one of my costumes or props lying around. And they ask a lot of questions. Then I need to make up an excuse for having blank firing pistols, a baseball uniform, fishnet stockings, Viking shield and helmet, etc. It’s not easy hiding something you worked so hard to put together.

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SB: If you have a partner does she know about your new career and is she okay with it?

BC: I’m single right now. But I hope someday my future partner will understand when I explain to her about my past and why I chose this path. Maybe we’ll have a few glasses of wine or vodka before I tell her. (Laughs)

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SB: How do you feel about the lack of Asian representation in the Western/mainstream adult film industry?

BC: I think it’s very insulting and degrading to all the Asian male porn consumers out there. I mean, come on, there is all kinds of porn on the market that caters to every type of fantasy. Bondage porn, S & M, Dominatrix, Fetish, Cuckolding, Food, Black male oriented porn, and even porn that involves barefoot women stomping on insects.  But there is almost ZERO straight Asian male porn.

I don’t want to sound PC about it, because the last thing the adult film industry gives a damn about is being politically correct. I’m just saying, that as an Asian-American viewer of porn, I should have more choices than I have right now. Right now my two choices are: 1) Give up and just watch mainstream porn that generally features white males, while trying to pretend that the guy is Asian (which doesn’t work) or 2) shop online for Asian porn that is produced overseas (i.e. Japanese porn). The latter choice means that my dollars will go overseas, instead of being spent here in the U.S.  So, in addition to Asian men being frustrated by the total lack of adult films featuring men who look like them, American dollars and jobs are being lost. It just doesn’t make sense on any level.

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SB: Did your feelings on this issue make you more determined to pursue porn as a career or give you pause?

BC: It did not discourage me. I use it to motivate myself to pursue my career in porn with more passion. When people tell me that I can’t do it, or that I’m not good enough, it only drives me to go after it harder. I think it takes someone with that kind of determination to change things.

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SB: What obstacles did/do you have to overcome in the industry as an Asian male adult film star?

BC: In North America and much of the Western world there’s a perception that Asian males are not sexual or not masculine. I knew coming into the industry that it would be an uphill battle to convince people that I can do the job.

When I meet with producers, they are surprised to see that I don’t fit their image of a stereotypical geeky Asian guy. I speak perfect English, I don’t wear glasses, I’m 5’10” and I weigh 175 lbs. I take good care of my body by working out at the gym regularly, so I can at least look like a performer.

The porn industry is a business, just like any other. They want to make a profit. So if nobody wants to an Asian man in porn, it won’t happen. Lately there are more Asian men being featured in small scenes here and there… (Pauses) so maybe the market is evolving.

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SB: Do you think women in American porn respond to you differently than they do to white, black or latino male porn stars? If so, what do you think accounts for this?

BC: It’s not like dating. The women in porn are very professional. Your leading lady is an actress. It’s her job to perform with you. Even if she isn’t attracted to you, she will act as though you are the best cock she’s ever had. After all, she’s getting paid a lot of money for each scene, and she knows what she needs to do in order to earn it.

If she doesn’t want to have sex with you, she will tell her agent, and her agent will tell you NO. All dealings are done through agents. There have been several porn starlets who declined to do a scene with me, after I emailed their agents my picture. Was it due to the fact that I am Asian? Would she have refused if I was a white, black, latino male porn star? Maybe or maybe not. I will never know the answer for sure. But there are hundreds of beautiful, sexy women to choose from. I don’t get hung up on being rejected. You just hire another girl who will be happy to give an Asian man a try.

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SB: Do you consider yourself a pioneer in the porn industry?

BC: Not really, I’m just an everyday man. I don’t do this for a living, and it doesn’t pay that much anyway. The most I’ve ever earned for a shoot was $75. I have a normal day job to pay the bills. Porn is like my side job, it’s more like volunteer work, and it’s something I enjoy doing that I feel has a purpose. A real pioneer would be the guy who can turn AM porn into something big and mainstream. Right now it’s not there yet.

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SB: Do you know approximately how many Asian male porn stars there are in the western porn industry?

BC: Not sure. I can probably count all of us on one hand. There’s Rick Lee (retired), Tom Dong, who by the way was murdered last month as his studio – may he rest in peace, Mr. “British Invasion” a.k.a. Keni Styles, Hung Lo, and myself. That’s pretty much all that I know of. Yeah, only four of us now that Tom is gone.

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SB: How do you think your presence in the porn industry, as well as that of other Asian male porn stars, will impact the way Asian men are seen in western culture if at all?

BC: I believe positive portrayals of Asian males can change the way we are viewed as men and as sexual beings. Many ideas that originate in porn have a discreet way of seeping into mainstream society.

For instance, take the widespread fetish for women with large breasts. There was a famous porn producer in the 1960’s named Russ Meyer, who had an extreme fixation for big boobs. His DD cup women were prominently featured in all of his movies, which were shown worldwide. Eventually Hollywood adopted this image as a backlash to the bra-burning feminist. And today breast augmentation surgery is common and widely accepted.

Another good example is Black male/ White female porn. Thirty years ago, it was off limits to show a black man engaging in sexual acts with a white woman. These days you can walk into any adult video store and they have an entire section devoted to that type of porn. Recently there was an episode of “Sex and the City” where Miranda becomes obsessed with BM/WF interracial porn. Showing that on SATC is about as mainstream as it gets. I hope someday they’ll be showing Asian men in the same way, as men who are sexually appealing to any woman. Maybe they will show it on “Gossip Girl” or “Desperate Housewives”, and it will be so common place that no one will guess it all started in porn.

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Be sure to come back tomorrow when Blackie talks about his first porn shoot, his views on women and sex since becoming an adult film star, and the artistic merit of his work, in Part 2 of our interview.

When I was asked to write a post promoting better sex, my first thought was to review a few porn films that I thought depicted the best sex. At first the idea got me very excited, because I really LOVE porn. But I started to reconsider things when the following questions popped into my mind:

Why do you think porn depicts the best sex?

Does porn really feature great sex?

Has all my porn watching made my sex life any better?

I decided these were burning questions I needed to find the answers to…

while viewing porn.

Watching a few of the choice films in my extensive collection brought me back to the first time I ever saw a porn video. I was in the eighth grade and it was at my friend Jennifer’s house. She had found one of her dad’s movies, so she invited me over to her place to watch it. Boy was I excited as we settled down in front of the TV in her rec room and the movie began to play. I was going to see real live sex for the fist time. Well, all the playground chats about humping and the plethora of diagrams I’d carefully examined in sex ed class hadn’t prepared me for all the nakedness and pumping I saw that night. As the action heated up on screen I went through a full gamut of emotions: fear, panic, disgust, more fear, excitement and shock. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t take my eyes of the screen. And then all of a sudden it hit me. I actually was enjoying what I was seeing. I liked watching sex. I was really into porn.

Once I got comfortable with that idea another thought hit me:

“The man in this movie is GROSS. How come he’s screwing a gorgeous woman who seems to be having a good time with him?”

And so began my juvenile fascination with porn. From that day forward I was on a quest to find out if everyone, especially the women, in pornos had a good time. By the end of my Grade nine year, I had seen many a porn flick, the end result being my coming to the conclusion that, yes, everyone in porn films had fun – and lots of it. So, when I started having sex, I used porn as my guide on how to perform sexually.

Over time I realized that the guys I was having sex with weren’t like the men in the pornos, who always showed their partners a good time. No matter how much I moaned, groaned or pursed my lips, I didn’t have fun in the sack. So my naïve and sexually inexperienced mind surmised that perhaps the dudes I was having sex with were too good looking to have skills in the bedroom, and that what I needed to do was find some not so hot boys (i.e. men with exceptional amounts of hair on their chest and back) to bed. Much to my surprise, sex with less attractive mates did not produce the heights of ecstasy I expected. Clearly I was doing something wrong.

As I matured and gained some experience my sex life slowly got better – without the help of porn or unattractive men I might add – and I assumed (again naïvely) that this was the case for everyone around me. However, as I constantly find myself in conversation with women bemoaning their less than stellar sex lives (bad sex is clearly epidemic), it is clear to me that many people still ‘depend’ on porn to gauge what great sex should be like. Many times, during these discussions, some well meaning soul (often a female) will suggest that the woman in question watch some porn and then ask her partner to mimic what is happening in the scene. This of course makes me wonder,

“Why is porn being used to show/tell our partners what we want them to do to us or what we want to do to them?”

If you’re lucky enough to have a partner then chances are you’ve seen each other naked, which would suggest that you’ve been kinda vulnerable with each other. So talking about what you want done and how, should not be that difficult, right? But for some reason this isn’t the way it works for the women I’ve run into: which begs the question why?

After pondering all of this for a while, one day the answer came to me. Porn is used by many people as a way to communicate what they want out of their sexual relationships, because it takes the fear out of being open and honest with their lovers. With porn, people can be fearless in bed. They can try out the moves and sex toys they saw on screen, and if it all doesn’t work out they can just blame it on some lowly porn star.

Everyday porn production companies produce movies that will be seen by millions of viewers, and in the process earn them millions of dollars. It’s clear that there has to be something more to porn than just sexy women and not so great looking men boffing each other. I have to believe that all those viewers are getting more out of it than some kind of release. I’d like to believe that what they’re getting is the license or permission to push their limits and explore the unknown; to revel in all the sexual pleasures available so they can find their truest sexual self. And with any luck, they’ll eventually end up having better sex.

As for me, over the years I’ve learned a few things through my fondness for porn and appreciation of a good lay: specifically,

1. Be open-minded about sex.
2. Don’t worry about being judged. Just jump in and do all the nasty things you want to.
3. Focus on pleasuring your partner, while making sure you’re also having a good time.

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Take it from me. These tips will help to improve the quality of the sex you have, even if you end up in bed with a guy who’s so hairy you think he’s wearing a mink coat.

Okay, this month I’ve talked about the importance of foreplay, curiosity and dressing to impress when cultivating healthy sexual relationships. Today, I’m going to tell you how being physically active can feed your sex life. What I am not going to do is talk about how improving your health can improve your sex (though this is true). I figure we all know this. And if some of you don’t you can find some of that information here. Instead, I’m going to tell you a story that highlights the unexpected ancillary benefits of physical activity.

Many moons ago, I worked in a manufacturing plant that had a large Caribbean population. One summer we decided to start up a soccer team. Vijay, one of the funniest men I’ve ever met, was nominated captain and entered our rag tag group into a rec league.

Now, I’d grown up playing soccer, so I was pretty proficient and was the best player on the team by a significant margin: which wasn’t a hard position to maintain considering the overall skill level of the competitors in this league. Anyway, we were a moderately successful team, but the real fun was found in the camaraderie that developed and the overall sense of well being that being regularly active gave me (I have to say having sex is the only thing that gives me a rush similar to the one I get when playing soccer).

I was dating N at the time. She begged me to bring her along to my soccer games. I usually found some cock and bull reason why she couldn’t come, but after weeks of nagging I relented. Best. Thing. I. Ever. Did.

N came out to the final game of the season to witness me score a hat trick and set up countless other goals. Frankly, I hadn’t played that well all season. I was a one man wrecking crew, weaving in and out of opposing players to score at will. It was spine tingling fun. Little did I know that my fun was just beginning.

When the game was over I walked N back to her car. I was going for a drink with the team, and made plans to meet up with N and a group of friends later for dinner.

“Thanks for finally letting me come out to watch you play” N said as she leaned against her trunk “I didn’t realize you were that good—it was pretty cute.”

N took a step towards me, leaned forward onto her toes and whispered in my ear.

“I hope you saved some energy for later. I’m gonna rock your world. I’m gonna suck your dick ‘til it’s dry.”

N was a little bit conservative, a prude even, so to hear her use such language was incongruous to say the least. And boy did she ever live up to her promise. When we were in bed that night I remember thinking:

“When did N turn into Heather Hunter?”

And for the duration of our relationship, N couldn’t stop talking about how sexy I looked in shorts, and how I should show my legs more often and blah blah blah blah. Rest assured, since that night, I’ve never hesitated to bring along a girlfriend to a soccer game.

For any man (or woman) interested in developing and maintaining a healthy sex life, this narrative highlights the importance of two things:

1.     Competence: I can’t emphasize this enough. Whether it’s soccer, physics, lawn bowling, darts, it doesn’t matter. Women like to know you’re good at something. Find out what you’re good at (if you don’t know already) and show it to her. It will turn her on.

2.     Inclusion: Men often feel that women are only interested in their own shit. Not true. If a woman is interested in you she will be VERY interested in your life. If they feel involved they become involved. This will translate into improved action in the boudoir.

Now what say you readers? Any other exercise related suggestions for improving your sex life?

“Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework” – Bill Cosby

These days most of us can say that they were lucky enough to have received some formal sex education as part of the regular curriculum at school. We learned the basic logistics of sex, in addition to being taught everything we need to know to reinforce the societal norms of monogamy and marriage. Progressive schools may even have thrown in some practical tips on contraception. (In my all girls’ school we learned how to put a condom on a banana. This was a class of 20 teenage girls – in uniform. I believe the activity was less for our education and more for our male teacher’s amusement. I don’t blame him.)

Unfortunately, for many of us the end our formal education about sex, coincided with our graduation from high school. From that point on, the vast majority of us gleaned any further knowledge of sex through basic trial and error, with practice making perfect. But is this not a tad ambitious?

If you set your mind on learning to play a musical instrument, you would learn the basic scales and notes through formal lessons with a teacher (much like my banana sheathing). Then you would practice to improve your technique in order to be ready for a performance. But once your lessons ceased would you never open a music book again? Would you never pick up a new score to add a little flavour to your repertoire? Would you be satisfied with only playing the pieces you learned at the onset of your musical training or other people’s tunes you picked up along the way?

I reckon your answer is an emphatic NO.

So I ask you,why is this attitude so prevalent around sex?

It should be noted that most mainstream porn is intended for male arousal and self-stimulation, it is not to be taken as an educational tool. There are some excellent DVDs which are both arousing and educational.  Or pick up a book – I myself have a veritable treasure trove of dirty books. These have provided inspiration, tips and learning for both what I do and don’t like. If you don’t wish to purchase a book due to lack of funds (condoms and lube can prove expensive, I know!) or embarrassment then try some of the wider community of sex / dating / love bloggers. There is a treasure trove just to the right of this post in the links we have gathered for you. Explore, engage and enjoy.

I encourage you all to take the time to add a new ‘tune’ to your ’songbook’ frequently, through whatever means you can.

For those of you who do make it to a book store or a library, please feel free to share any recommendations with me. I am very good at turning the pages with just the one hand…

“What is love anyway? From my new vantage point, I realize that love is nothing more than a messy conglomeration of need, desperation, fear of death and insecurity about penis size.” – Human Nature (2001)

So this week is witness to a small “mini-feature” on penis size; more specifically race based myths on penis size. Skye kindly linked us to some dick shots yesterday and I believe tomorrow Dr. Sam Sharpe is bringing the science on this issue. Unsurprisingly, I also have something to say on the matter of penis size, surprisingly though it isn’t “bigger is better”.

The facts in my mind are that while “size does matter” it is about being the right size for your partner. Too small and you are left wondering “is it in yet?” but too big and it is uncomfortable, even painful. In fact, I have been defeated by more than one Goliath of a cock, when penetration was just impossible. I’ve had a disappointingly high number of VSDs as well.

In my sexual life, I have been fortunate to come across exactly three perfect penises (to clarify – perfect for me). One is still a somewhat irregular feature in my bed, much to my delight. The tale of my first perfect penis, I will save for another time as I was a much younger and more impressionable rose then; and my adoring worship of that member did lead me into some rather compulsive behaviour. (There isn’t a 12 step program for an addiction to cock!)

The second perfect cock, belonged to a young man I stumbled across (literally – I was hammered) in university. He was Chinese in descent, and as I do favour a hairy bear look on a man, I probably wouldn’t have even ventured there had he not been an utter gent. The night we met he literally picked me up off the floor of the bar, and then offered to walk me home.

The absolute poppet that he was, he didn’t just walk me home; when I awoke the following morning, I found myself tucked up in bed with a glass of water and a bucket strategically placed next to me. This was not the usual practice of my flatmates and clutching my head I staggered to the lounge to find someone to thank. There I found my flatmates, both passed out on the sofa with their shoes still on, make up and drool trailing down their faces. Obviously not the quarter from which my assistance came from. The mystery was solved later that day when a text arrived asking how I was feeling and would I like to get a coffee sometime. The number was stored to a name I didn’t recognise, so I called for an explanation.  I have provided both his words and the subtext below:

Dear Ken had walked (carried) me home to see I got home safe (alive). There he found my flatmates were unable to help (speak / walk / stand up) so he put me to bed himself. He promised he didn’t take advantage (grab a quick feel) of the situation (me being so drunk Rohypnol wasn’t necessary). He stayed for a glass of water (the only sustenance found in our house) and to make sure I would be okay (didn’t choke on my own vomit). He then took my number, and left.

I was impressed. My drinking buddies at the time were mostly jocks or “blues” as they were deemed in my university. It was a night out with my boat club that had led me into such a state in the first place. I don’t doubt that had I not fallen down at Ken’s feet, I would not have woken up in my own bed. I also expect instead of a bucket and a glass of water it would have been mine and some anonymous male’s underwear on the nightstand.

So after a few days recovery, I called Ken back and asked him if I could buy him dinner to thank him. (I also was a bit hazy on how he looked). As he had a fairly non-descript accent on the phone, I was taken by surprise when an Asian dude turned up to meet me. Still this was my Good Samaritan and he was pretty cute in a clean shaven sort of way. He was also damn funny and great company. Dinner was a blast – though he was a little too good at imitating my drunken rambles and gurnings at times. Apparently I had already told him I loved him. And while he was trying to manoeuvre me into bed I’d stripped down to my knickers while he was looking for a t-shirt and asked if he liked my boobs. I think he was trying to embarrass me by retelling these stories. It worked. However, not one to be beaten, I thought it best to check the outcome.

“Well do you like my boobs?”

His eyes widened slightly and he looked at me with a very hot and mischievous grin. “I do, and you should count yourself lucky that my mother raised me not to take advantage of drunk girls.”

My response of “I’m not drunk now” was smothered by his kiss.

As we headed back to his halls of residence (that’s a dorm for you American types) I was excited from his kisses (very good technique), but since I was still living under my misconceptions of Asian men I wasn’t expecting all that much in the way of trouser snakes. Imagine my surprise and delight when he unleashed a perfectly proportioned, delightfully smooth and utterly delicious cock. Perfect penis – number two. Hallelujah and praise to whatever being you believe in!

Praise him I did. I vocally agreed with that man and his equipment all that night and a significant part of the following day too. (My boat club were about to declare me AWOL having missed a morning outing and not having been seen at my house or in the college bar for 24 hours.) He became my favourite distraction from finals revision, a wonderful stress relief! (Also partially to blame for my grades plummeting and my final award of a 2.2… few too many hours spent in his bed rather than in the library)

Ken and I fell out of touch after university; however Ken’s legacy lives on in my DVD collection. I’ve already mentioned my impressive (if somewhat intimidating) German porn collection. I also have a fairly awe-inspiring set of the finest Hong Kong cinema money can buy. While this gives me huge cool points in the eyes of many a self proclaimed movie buff – it isn’t for the cinematography / special effects / ninja moves / etc. It is because I cannot buy hard core porn with Asian guys in it. So instead having discovered Ekin Cheng had a strong resemblance to Ken, I buy legitimate films, and indulge my imagination.

New to the dating scene after a long marriage, I’ve noticed something disturbing about the way my “dates” have been “making whoopee” with me. The men I’ve connected with seem to be uninterested in “warming me up” for the action and also completely self-centred. Hoping that this was just due to the type of guys I was attracting, I decided to investigate and see if the trend I was noticing was a more common occurrence.

Now, I’m not a social scientist or anything like that, and I didn’t use a control group to get scientifically accurate results.  But what I’ve discovered by polling some of my girlfriends is that when in the “act”, more often than not, the guys tend to want to go to 10 without taking the time to travel from 1 through 9.  What I’m saying is that there’s virtually no foreplay.

As for the narcissism that has been rearing its ugly head in my bedroom, friend after friend told me they had experienced the same thing. Take my friend Jenny for example. Her latest squeeze was more interested in going down on her the way he wanted rather than finding out what pleased her. When poor Jenny asked him to make a few minor adjustments, he simply ignored her.

Umm, excuse me…I know you’re busy but…umm…would you mind moving to the left a bit….please?…If it isn’t a bother…

So what’s is going on?

I’ll tell you what…it’s porn (yeah, this is my conclusion and no one else’s).  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed the odd porn film in my time. Between mutually consenting adults, it can be very erotic and beautiful. But as sited over at www.lightedcandle.org

A relationship exists between frequent pornography consumption and sexually aggressive behaviour. This relationship is especially strong for those with the highest “predisposing” risk level for sexual aggression. Those who are at high risk for sexual aggression and who frequently consume pornography have sexual aggression levels that are four times higher than those who do not consume pornography frequently.
(“Pornography and Sexual Aggression: Are there Reliable Effects and Can We Understand Them?” Annual Review of Sex Research Vol. 11, Number 1, 2000. Pages 26-94.)

So, to all the guys I hear saying that they aren’t “getting any” – all I can say is perhaps there’s a reason bud?

Just a recap boys…

Having great sex is like enjoying an amazing gourmet meal. You need taste the first course slowly and gently, because it sets you up for the second course and then the third and if you are very attentive and have truly savoured every mouthful, you might just be in, for a mind-blowing dessert.

So to prevent boredom and disappointment, and to amp up the pleasure reached in your bedroom I strongly recommend that you men slow it down. Also, if you make the effort to open your mind and try new things each and every time you have sex (instead of running on autopilot), you’ll banish boredom from your bedroom – forever.

Outside of that the most important thing I can tell you is that you need to remember that when it comes your partner’s pleasure she is your greatest teacher (just as you are hers when it comes to yours) – not the panting, screaming bimbo in the porn film you just watched.

So check your ego’s and porn collection at the door boys…

And then come on into my room.

I’m about to give you advice, golden advice. Advice you should print out and keep on your bedside table for reference. I’m about to tell you my sexual pet peeve. Now why is this so important? You may never meet me, why do you need to know what will tick me off in bed? You need to know because I’ve chatted with my girlfriends and from what we can tell my sexual pet peeves are almost universally annoying to women.

The worst thing a man can do for his sex life is (drum roll please)…

Watch too much porn.

It’s not that I have an issue with porn; in fact I don’t mind watching occasionally, usually for a good laugh. But I do have a problem with TOO much porn.

Excessive porn watching often results in the following:

1) Constant requests for affirmation.

When a man hears Jenna Jameson telling her partner(s) how much she loves this and likes that, how much she likes his cum and how bad she wants it, he assumes that we will all be just as vocal. When we’re not quite as vocal as a porn star, when our moaning isn’t enough – when he needs that, “Ooh, like that baby,” and we don’t give it to him what happens? He asks the oh-so-annoying questions:

“Do you like that baby?”

“Want me to cum for you baby?”

Now here’s the deal, I’m no one’s baby (except my mum and if she’s reading this I may be heading off to church momentarily). I don’t like to be asked questions in bed and I have no desire to be your manliness gauge. So gents next time you’re trying to talk dirty, remember it shouldn’t feel like a quiz!

2) A desire to use foreign objects…down there.

The following are items I’ve been asked to get dirty with: a cucumber, a carrot and a wine bottle (which he was willing to substitute for a beer bottle if a wine bottle seemed too large). Now I’m not sure if you boys know, but there are pelvic bones to deal with there and while we may be able to squeeze a child out, our bodies generally get a fair bit of time and assistance to prepare for that. You know, the whole nine months of gestation and doctor (or two) to pull that sucker out of you. So unless you have a team of highly skilled professionals ready to help, like they do in porn, don’t ask me if you can put anything like a wine bottle inside me.

3) Making degrading requests

I will never and I mean NEVER, understand why men think it’s OK to ask if he can cum on my face. Asking me this question is a sure fire way to get me back in my clothes and out the door in 30 seconds or less. Porn stars are paid to do degrading things, if you’d like to do something potentially dangerous to my eyes that will also completely humiliate me you should probably go out and get yourself a hooker – I think she might charge extra for the face shot though.

.

So boys I’d like you to memorize this list. I’d like you to think of this list as your sneak peek into the female mind. We all have kinks, quirks and risqué behaviours that we enjoy, but to try any of the above without knowing that your partner is into it is a severe symptom of porn-itis (you like that? I just made it up).

If you’re lucky enough to have a beautiful woman in your life, a real live flesh and blood woman who enjoys getting naked and sweaty with you, I suggest you ditch the single guy porn. And if you can’t live without it go out and buy something the two of you can enjoy together.

For those of you who do know me and who have been in my bed please note that you will be receiving a laminated copy of my list for future reference.