“Working at Sh! involves looking after a huge variety of customers – some who are regulars and know exactly what makes them tick, others who have never used a sex toy and are somewhat shy or reserved at first.” – A Sh! Girl

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Welcome to Sh!

Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium was the very first shop of its kind to open in London. Sh!, a sex shop run by women, for women was founded in 1992. The mission was simple: to create a safe, welcoming environment in which women can shop guilt-free for good quality playthings.

The knowledgeable and friendly Sh! Girlz aim to make information about sex accessible to all, old or young of whatever sexual persuasion, background or culture.

Sh! were the first to launch the ‘Jessica Rabbit’ well before it debuted in ‘Sex and The City’, and the founder Kathryn Hoyle has been a regular spokesperson for the shop, promoting the ethos behind the store and the brand.  She has even been to 10 Downing Street to attend an Aids Awareness event.

Sh! set up its very own research and development department, and works with many National Health Service trusts offering advice and help on women’s gynecological care.

Sh! hosts a variety of different nightly events at their London store ranging from workshops, art and photography exhibitions, literary readings and much more.

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The Sh! Difference

The key thing that makes Sh! different from all other sex shops, is the warm and friendly welcoming you receive upon entering the shop. After you’ve been offered a cup of tea, you will be looked after by one of the Girlz, who will provide you with the kind of attentive and exclusive assistance you wished every shop offered. And the best bit is that you can do all this without having to worry about any men being in the to check out your purchases! ( Sh! welcomes Gents into the shop only if they are accompanied by a woman.)

The staff at Sh! do their utmost to ensure that each and every customer  leaves their shop with the products and resources they need to enhance their sex lives. Renee, the Store Manager, shared the story of one such customer recently.

‘Only the other week we had a recently divorced lady in the shop who had never experienced an orgasm and never used a toy in her life. After plenty of time in the shop with one of the Sh! Girlz she left with a new toy, a book and plenty of advice and confidence. Two days later I received an email from her telling us that we had literally changed her life and she felt like a woman again. This is so typical of a Sh! customer and exactly what makes our days here so rewarding.’

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Just Another Day at Sh!

A normal working day it is not! With deliveries of vibrators, stunningly sexy lingerie, books and other toys, working at Sh! this is not for the faint hearted. But the beauty of Sh! is that the staff takes all of this in stride, because they love working in the shop; and as a result, all their customers love shopping there. It really is a beautiful pink private haven of classy fun.

In the evening, the spanking class which is run by Renee is usually offered at the shop, although they often have literature reading nights hosted by various erotic authors, or other lessons on bedroom antics that are literally booked out each week.

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Coming Soon… A New Sh! Store in West London

Look out ladies of West London – Sh! will be opening on your doorstep very soon, and will bring with it all the charm, class, fun and adventure that East London has been enjoying for the last decade. You will soon see what you have been missing out on. In the meantime visit their website at www.sh-womenstore.com.

Metanotherfrog.com will be interviewing Kathryn Hoyle at July 22nd launch of Sh! West London store. Check back at the weekend to find out more from behind the scenes of a sex shop.

When I was asked to write a post promoting better sex, my first thought was to review a few porn films that I thought depicted the best sex. At first the idea got me very excited, because I really LOVE porn. But I started to reconsider things when the following questions popped into my mind:

Why do you think porn depicts the best sex?

Does porn really feature great sex?

Has all my porn watching made my sex life any better?

I decided these were burning questions I needed to find the answers to…

while viewing porn.

Watching a few of the choice films in my extensive collection brought me back to the first time I ever saw a porn video. I was in the eighth grade and it was at my friend Jennifer’s house. She had found one of her dad’s movies, so she invited me over to her place to watch it. Boy was I excited as we settled down in front of the TV in her rec room and the movie began to play. I was going to see real live sex for the fist time. Well, all the playground chats about humping and the plethora of diagrams I’d carefully examined in sex ed class hadn’t prepared me for all the nakedness and pumping I saw that night. As the action heated up on screen I went through a full gamut of emotions: fear, panic, disgust, more fear, excitement and shock. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t take my eyes of the screen. And then all of a sudden it hit me. I actually was enjoying what I was seeing. I liked watching sex. I was really into porn.

Once I got comfortable with that idea another thought hit me:

“The man in this movie is GROSS. How come he’s screwing a gorgeous woman who seems to be having a good time with him?”

And so began my juvenile fascination with porn. From that day forward I was on a quest to find out if everyone, especially the women, in pornos had a good time. By the end of my Grade nine year, I had seen many a porn flick, the end result being my coming to the conclusion that, yes, everyone in porn films had fun – and lots of it. So, when I started having sex, I used porn as my guide on how to perform sexually.

Over time I realized that the guys I was having sex with weren’t like the men in the pornos, who always showed their partners a good time. No matter how much I moaned, groaned or pursed my lips, I didn’t have fun in the sack. So my naïve and sexually inexperienced mind surmised that perhaps the dudes I was having sex with were too good looking to have skills in the bedroom, and that what I needed to do was find some not so hot boys (i.e. men with exceptional amounts of hair on their chest and back) to bed. Much to my surprise, sex with less attractive mates did not produce the heights of ecstasy I expected. Clearly I was doing something wrong.

As I matured and gained some experience my sex life slowly got better – without the help of porn or unattractive men I might add – and I assumed (again naïvely) that this was the case for everyone around me. However, as I constantly find myself in conversation with women bemoaning their less than stellar sex lives (bad sex is clearly epidemic), it is clear to me that many people still ‘depend’ on porn to gauge what great sex should be like. Many times, during these discussions, some well meaning soul (often a female) will suggest that the woman in question watch some porn and then ask her partner to mimic what is happening in the scene. This of course makes me wonder,

“Why is porn being used to show/tell our partners what we want them to do to us or what we want to do to them?”

If you’re lucky enough to have a partner then chances are you’ve seen each other naked, which would suggest that you’ve been kinda vulnerable with each other. So talking about what you want done and how, should not be that difficult, right? But for some reason this isn’t the way it works for the women I’ve run into: which begs the question why?

After pondering all of this for a while, one day the answer came to me. Porn is used by many people as a way to communicate what they want out of their sexual relationships, because it takes the fear out of being open and honest with their lovers. With porn, people can be fearless in bed. They can try out the moves and sex toys they saw on screen, and if it all doesn’t work out they can just blame it on some lowly porn star.

Everyday porn production companies produce movies that will be seen by millions of viewers, and in the process earn them millions of dollars. It’s clear that there has to be something more to porn than just sexy women and not so great looking men boffing each other. I have to believe that all those viewers are getting more out of it than some kind of release. I’d like to believe that what they’re getting is the license or permission to push their limits and explore the unknown; to revel in all the sexual pleasures available so they can find their truest sexual self. And with any luck, they’ll eventually end up having better sex.

As for me, over the years I’ve learned a few things through my fondness for porn and appreciation of a good lay: specifically,

1. Be open-minded about sex.
2. Don’t worry about being judged. Just jump in and do all the nasty things you want to.
3. Focus on pleasuring your partner, while making sure you’re also having a good time.

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Take it from me. These tips will help to improve the quality of the sex you have, even if you end up in bed with a guy who’s so hairy you think he’s wearing a mink coat.

“An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.” – G. K. Chesterton

Our journey through the outskirts of the sexual fringe is almost over. So I wanted to talk about the wonderful world of fringe in action…

I’ve mentioned a few things along the way that I’d be keen to try, when I reviewed this it appears to be a list of filth I want to do to men’s bottoms. Before now I’d never noticed I had a desire to fiddle down there during active participation. But over the course of this month I have acknowledged my curiosity to spank a gent, offered an anal exchange policy (you peg my ass, I’ll peg yours) and I used my research trip to Sh! to buy Finn a vibrating butt plug.

Now Finn wasn’t exactly the most enthused chap when he saw his present – turns out when I told him I’d bought him a toy from a sex shop he hadn’t imagined it would be going up his ass. However…

During our most recent romp Finn and I came to a compromise. Having convinced him of the wonders of vibrations (that vibrating cock ring trick has been a big hit) he finally accepted it was time to plug his butt. Being a canny Irishman, he negotiated an exchange of favours, but he certainly didn’t regret his side of the deal.

Ladies – if Finn’s reaction is anything to go by, get yourself down to your local purveyor of filth and plug up your man! I had to insist that he leave the little thing with me, because he seemed determined to never take it out.

I’ll let you know how we get on carrying out my side of the deal…

On another note – there has been a new offering in the world of electronic sex aids. It proves to me that there are a lot of lonely inventors out there. Perhaps if we offered all the really smart people in the world a weekly session of oral sex, then they could focus all that ingenuity on the energy crisis. Instead – we have Roxxxy, a sex toy with conversation.

“Man is a make-believe animal – he is never so truly himself as when he is acting a part.” – William Hazlitt

I must say readers, I am thoroughly enjoying fringe month! I do have some serious grovelling to do for Skye to forgive my group questions, and Sam is now afraid to turn his back to me in case I try to peg him – but it has been rather a giggle so far and we are only half way through!

Today I am discussing role play. Are you a sexy librarian? A naughty nurse? A comely wench whose bosoms heave with desire whenever a pirate draws near? Or are you the type of woman who likes to put on a cocktail dress and wait in a hotel bar for your long term squeeze to pick you up as if you were a stranger all over again?

Personally, I love a bit of role play. In my case I like to dress up as a naughty school girl and behave very badly. This may have something to do with the fact that I am still able to fit into my school netball skirt. Putting that on is enough to get my pulse racing, even without the threat of a spanking!

But what does your role playing say about you?

Do you enjoy escaping from your monogamous life by faux-stranger sex? Then perhaps you should try swinging – if you like your partner being a ’stranger’ imagine how much fun an encounter with a real stranger would be!

Is your fella enticed by a French maid’s outfit and a bit of French tickling with a feather duster? If so, then perhaps it’s time to hire a cleaner as his subconscious is telling him he needs a maid because the house is a pigsty.

Nurses… he’s a hypochondriac – or a failed doctor. Either way, time to test his reaction to a prostate exam!

Are you after a man in uniform? Personally, I think the choice of uniform is very telling…

• White sailors outfit a la Officer & a Gentleman – you have a crap taste in movies.
• Fireman – you are an arsonist, keep away from matches.
• Policeman – looking at his truncheon with lust in your eyes? Maybe buy a new MAX toy!
• Soldiers are my personal preference. I’m channeling my inner Bonnie Tyler and holding out for a hero. Also, green is my favourite colour!

So how about it – any officers out there who aren’t gentlemen who are willing to give this naughty girl a good spanking?

“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.” – W.C. Fields

I’m an outdoorsy girl. I like to march along muddy trails on foot or horseback. I used to love tearing through forests, stopping to find a glade for picnics. A lot of this happened in my innocence, when secluded nooks in the great wide were just good hiding places. Now they have a new more sordid look to them.

These days I find myself wondering, would the nook of that tree be a good ledge for my ass if he stood on the grass in front to penetrate me… Perhaps that bench can’t be seen from the path so I could straddle his lap and face him for a shag… That bus stop looks like a good place to be bent over and taken from behind…

It’s a great way to add spice to any walk, commute or shopping trip by examining your surroundings for a potential rendezvous. Of course, if I don’t have a willing companion handy to try out my new found venue I just amuse myself by storing away a fantasy encounter for a later private moment (to replay once I have some fresh batteries in my new Rabbit Habit).

You see dear Readers, I like the thrill that comes with the possibility of being caught. I also enjoy the mild discomfort and the sting of a cold breeze. I am an outdoors woman, but don’t throw me out into the yard. Instead, throw me down in the yard on a cold night and help me heat things up.

“There are toys for all ages” – French Proverb

I still have my anal virginity (*ahem*) so I can’t offer much in the way of personal experience of bum based toy fun; but I have done my research. On my London shopping trip I wandered into Sh!, a delightful women’s sex shop in Hoxton Square. (Recommended to any London based ladies for helpful staff and good product range.) My friend Chelsea and I were advised by Joanna on the day, who ran us through their “anal range” and offered us some backdoors advice.

There are two main types of toys for up the bum fun; love beads and butt plugs.

Love beads seem to add a bit of spice as a good starting point. These are a string of beads inserted up his (or your) rectum, with a loop at the end to pull them out (Tip: good timing is as his balls tighten before ejaculation). As each bead is pulled out it rubs against his g-spot and increases his orgasm. As a toy, they don’t resemble a cock in anyway so not leading him to question his sexuality. The closer together the beads are the stronger the effect as there is less “rest” as they are making their entrance or exit.

Butt plugs are effectively a plug for your ass. These come in varying shapes and sizes. A tip is to look for a wide base to prevent it getting lost up there. As our lovely sales assistant pointed out, a trip to the Emergency Room is never sexy. Another top tip is to look for a vibrating butt plug, as vibrations relax muscles these will allow for an easier entry.
Make sure to have a good water based lubricant for using with toys or condoms. Use A LOT of it. Lube is a good thing.

Why use toys? Because you might like it – you never know till you try. A butt plug in a lady during plain vanilla sex will increase sensations for both partners and perhaps fulfill any curiosity about double penetration without the need for an extra body on the bedsprings.

Straight men can find these sorts of toys a bit scary so go slow and communicate!

Oh I should mention, never put anything (even a finger) in or near a man’s bottom without his permission and A LOT of lube. Otherwise you may be peeling him off your ceiling. Something less intimidating for you both, as a way to stimulate him, is to focus on the very base of his penis, the part running between his balls and his asshole. Vibrations on this part will have him as putty in your hands, in fact I have found spinning my vibrating cock ring around so the vibe is on his balls and doing it doggy is a great solution. Here you have the angle for the vibrations to get your clit and his “million dollar spot”. It’s a lot of fun. That particular trick was the trigger for my last proposal of marriage. I always feel it is a sign of a really good shag when he asks you to repeat the performance every night for the rest of your life.

Note: During mine and Chelsea’s trip I bought a replacement Rabbit Habit, Maximus lube, a raft of batteries and a surprise for Finn. I couldn’t possibly comment on Chelsea’s purchase.

A final word: When we mentioned the forthcoming post to the wonderful people at Sh! they responded with this message for our frogs and princesses alike…

“We’re delighted to hear you enjoyed your visit to Sh! – and we agree Joanna is pretty fabulous.

We would be happy to offer your readers a £5 in-store and online discount on any anal toys + the all-important bottle of Maximus bought together in one transaction for the duration of January. For online customers, please add discount code 75F44D onto the order, and in-store please mention www.metanotherfrog.com.

We have a newly-introduced Gent’s Evening every Tuesday, so any fella keen on introducing a bit of P-play can come browse our goodies too.”

“…the butthole can be the great equalizer— everyone has one. It is the most democratic of our orifices. We can all experience what it feels like to be pitcher or catcher on the butthole diamond. And no one can accuse you of anus envy.” – Tristan Taormino, of puckerup.com

I have alluded to the request for anal sex coming up about three weeks after any declaration of love or commitment. It also happens in the casual realm where I choose to explore. Some lasses enjoy it up the bum, some don’t. But it seems that at some point all men wish to explore their lady’s back passage.

Why?

Now – the standard answers are that it’s tighter, feels different or better, and it’s a bit naughty!

Actually the last man who enticed me into a lengthy phase of monogamy used to refer to the act as doing it “unconventionally”. I’ll be honest I found it quite a charming way of requesting it and gave this man my anal virginity as his birthday present. Admittedly I have since offered up my anal ‘virginity’ on a number of occasions.  I have found that an anal-explorer is more likely to go slowly and gently if he believes he is ‘discovering’ virgin territory. I do hope none of my erstwhile suitors are reading this, as I expect they may be a little disappointed considering  how pleased they were with themselves at the time, and the expense they went to with dinners, gifts, weekends away, etc. in order to pop my bum-cherry.

Nevertheless, I gave into their requests on my own terms and for my own reasons. I do not believe any of the nonsense about it being more intimate, or a better sensation for guys (unless they have a VSD … but then what else would you do with it?). Instead, I believe the male obsession with anal is a power trip. It is as simple as the amusement of looking down and seeing his cock in a place it shouldn’t be. It’s not some romantic bullshit of a stronger connection, it isn’t that erotic. (Seriously, his cock now has poo on it – what is sexy about that?) It is about power, it’s about breaking a taboo and taking something more from the lady in his bed.

Excuse my feminist rant for a second… but we have finally reclaimed our sexuality as a gender for the most part, exploring for ourselves sexual preferences on position, frequency, and circumstance. We’ve taken lessons in hand jobs and oral, we’ve shaved or waxed our cunts, and fulfilled their lesbian fantasies.

So ladies, I say take it up your ass if you want to, but don’t let him fob you off with reasons why. It’s about power – so ask for a fair exchange and strap one on first.

The thought of anything going in my ass creeps me out for two reasons. One, because based on very necessary rectal check ups done by my doctor, I think it would feel awful: and two, as a het guy I have trouble wrapping my head around the idea of being that submissive – even with a woman I loved.

–  J.L., an anti-pegging advocate

It turns out that the straight-male fear of reciprocal anal play is a potent mix of sexism and homophobia; a straight man can do it to someone else, but having it done to him isn’t okay.

– Em & Lo (Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey), The Bottom Line

If she put a finger in your ass, there’s no override switch that turns you gay.

– Dan Savage on Straight Men

Those of you who’ve read the intro to Fringe Month piece I wrote yesterday already know that I am fascinated by how squeamish straight guys get when the topic of butt play (in their bottoms) comes up. I am especially intrigued by the men who are anxious to anally penetrate their female partners and adamantly refuse to offer up their own behinds for penetration. Why you ask? Well, my friends, over the years I’ve had to protect my own anus (I’m not so keen on anal myself) from such men time and time again. As a result I have all but perfected delivering the line ‘I’ll do it if you let me do it to you first’ in the sweetest of tones, to shut down any and all anal sex discussions.

In my experience most men are decidedly unwilling to be pegged, even when they long to have anal sex with their girlfriends. Despite this the research shows that the incidence of anal relations among heterosexuals continues to rise. A 2005 survey conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) found that 38.2% of men aged 20-39 and 32.6% of women aged 18-44 engage in heterosexual anal sex; whereas the CDC’s 1992 National Health and Social Life survey, found that only 25.6% of men 18 to 59 and 20.4% of women 18 to 59 indulged in it. Although it’s likely that in most cases the anal sex being reported involved men penetrating their female partners, I’m sure that a portion of this increase is due to men allowing their female partners to peg them. So I began to wonder if I knew any pro-pegging men personally? I was sure I didn’t, but to find out I decided to round up some of my boys and ask them if they’d be up for anal penetration, with a tongue, digit or dildo, if they were every asked by a woman.

As I suspected, upon being asked the question each of my friends recoiled. I was faced with looks of horror, furrowed brows and agitated men jabbering on about  how just the mention of something going in their ass caused their butt cheeks to tighten – a phenomenon my friend G labelled ‘instinctual butt clenching’ or IBC.

IBC and its associated symptoms occurred in every man I asked except one, who admitted that he had let a woman put her tongue in his anus once and that he’d really enjoyed it. But even my pro-rimming homie brother caught a serious case if IBC when I asked him about the possibility of even the tiniest of pinky fingers getting near his anus. I asked him to explain, but all he managed to do was mutter that he might let a woman he was seriously committed to do it, as his anus was ‘V.I.P. real estate’ (trust me, he really said that) and then he quickly ended our conversation. When the men I spoke to were able to get past their IBC and I pressed them to tell me why anal penetration was such a problem for them – and believe me I had to drag the answers out of them – I got numerous variations of the following (weak – in my estimation anyway) responses:

‘I don’t want anything in my ass. It goes against the natural flow of my body.’

‘That shit has got to hurt, how could it not?’

‘Girls are used to being penetrated and they should let their men do it. Straight men just aren’t built that way.’

Basically, from what I can tell although dudes are not always clear on their reasons, they definitely aren’t into having their butts probed.

Before I wrap this post up, I think it’s important that I share the story my buddy J.L. (who I quoted at the beginning of this post) told me. His story makes it clear that any woman attempting to probe her man’s anus without his permission could be risking her own safety, as well as the health of her relationship.

Apparently, in the not so distant past, during the middle of a hot and heavy horizontal mambo session, J.L.’s then girlfriend attempted to slip a digit into his anus. According to J.L. when her fingertip grazed the edge of his crack, his whole body tensed up and he launched her right off the bed. She ended up on the cold, hardwood floor, and the next morning a large purple bruise  covered her entire right side. Although beyond the bruising she wasn’t hurt too badly, the incident almost ended their relationship – he was appalled that she would try a move like that without asking him and she was pissed off by what she deemed to be his ‘overreaction’. In any case, they ended up getting through it, but for the duration of their relationship butt play never came up again (hmmm…I wonder why?)

Based on my research it seems that there are a fair number of men who are not quite ready to be penetrated. What do you think dear readers? I’d love to hear your thoughts on the following questions:

1. Do you think that there are many men out there who are open to being pegged?
2. Gentlemen, are any of you among the brave minority who are up for being a bottom in the bedroom?
3. Ladies, would you be willing to peg your man if he asked? Have you ever asked a man to allow you to do it? If so, what do you get out of it?

Although it pains me to admit this I have to. As I read Casual Sex, Women and Me I could relate – to the girls. But I’m sure I’m not alone. As far as I can tell, most women aren’t as proficient in the art of casual mating as they’d like to believe. From what I have seen, heard and lived, we women tend to get a wee bit delusional about our ability to stay emotionally detached as we play the game.

Now please don’t get me wrong ladies, personally I think sex (casual or not) is great, and those of us who’ve indulged in a really solid round a time or two are more than clear about the fact that sex is FUN! But let’s face it ladies, the vast majority of us are not wired like my dear friend Elizabeth Rose (at least not on this side of the pond – kudos to my Brit sisters holding it down). In fact, if I had to hazard a guess, I’d say only 5% of us are truly skilled at separating sex from our emotions in an ongoing arrangement with a given partner. Sadly, I am not one of those lucky ‘five percenters’.

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When I hit the dating scene soon after ditching the boyfriend who deflowered me it was on. If I felt the urge I went with it. During this period somehow I never pulled of a one night stand. With me it was more like 14, 21 or 30+ day stands. Regardless of the length of my whirlwind liaisons, when my bedmate of the moment gave me my walking papers, as much as I played it cool because we both knew it was casual (right?), I always felt like I’d been sucker punched – right in the stomach. But I didn’t let that stop me.

Despite the fact that feeling my guts cave in was grossly unpleasant to say the least, I pressed on. Each and every time I got hit I got up, dusted myself off and stepped back onto the playing field. You’re a liberated 90s girl and Homie didn’t play weak. You can do this, you just gotta learn to handle your game right. Handle it all a little differently. My version of different included easing up on the intensity and seeing the man of choice no more than twice a month to avoid having my emotions creep into the situation. Even with these evasive manoeuvres I still hit trouble.

Enter Kieran, a 40-something actor I met while I was killing time in a bookstore one day. He struck up a conversation with me when he noticed I was looking at a book he had read. We fell into an easy banter and ending up going for coffee. Although we had a good time together that afternoon (oh how that man could make me laugh) by the third date I knew we weren’t a good fit.

You see Kieran didn’t have an off switch. For him every conversation, sentence and moment was a performance. I’m sure his zeal for his craft served him well on stage and screen, but after a few dates it just wasn’t working for me. Luckily, both he and I sensed this. So at the end of our third date we amicably called it quits…but not for long.

A week passed and I couldn’t stop thinking about Kieran. He was a vision – tall with broad shoulders, a lean muscular build, ruggedly handsome good looks, a shock of curly red hair (yes, I have a thing for red heads), and the most amazing smile. Over the course of that week the battle between me and my vag went something like this…

Vag: What were you thinking? Call him back!

Me: For What? We’re not compatible.

Vag: Helllloooo! You and I both know I’ve got a killa case of coochy cobwebs, and I’m well overdue. Why you always got to over think things?

Me: Hmmm…If it was up to you, I wouldn’t think about anything.

Vag (muttering): At the very least there’d be a lot more doing and a whole of ‘Oh…yes, yes, yesin’ going on.

Needless to say by the beginning of the next week my vag won out. I called Kieran back and nervously asked him to come out to play. After recovering from the shock he quickly said yes, and he, my vag and I were off to the races. The first few times we got together were great. A hug followed by a few kind words and then we’d get right to it, a fantastic horizontal performance (on good days there could be as many as two encores), a parting kiss on the cheek as he or I (depending on whose spot we were at) darted through the door, and then the quick return to pre-Kieran boffing normalcy after each meeting.

But by week 12 (that’s session six for those of you who weren’t paying attention) things started to go a little haywire.

He arrived at my place and we got right to it in our usual fashion. Each and every moment of our ‘show’ was absolutely delightful, as usual. Then when he kissed my cheek and swiftly disappeared down the long hallway outside my apartment, a strange pang in my chest and the thought, Oh God! Am I really not going to see or hear from you for another two weeks? – definitely not the usual. My life back to its normal pre-Kieran boffing state? HELL NO.

After he left that day I fell apart. Suddenly, I was needing and missing a man I knew I could hardly stand talking to for more than a few hours at a time. Could it be that I was actually starting to develop feelings for my fave actor?

Well, after two days and few in depth consultations with my ‘all-knowing’ vag I found some clarity. Kieran was not the type of man I wanted to be with. All he and I had in common was our mutual love of good laughs and even better sex. It took me another two days to pick up the phone and call him to cancel session seven (believe me, my vag cursed me out good for that).

Although Kieran left the door open for me to call back whenever I wanted to, I haven’t and probably won’t. That whole catching feelings for a man I knew I really didn’t want has me shook. I so don’t want to be the one pining away over a man who unintentionally stroked his way into my heart.

Take it from me girls. If you recognize even a little bit of yourself in this or yesterday’s post, think long and hard before your next casual hook up.

“No one ever choked to death swallowing their pride” – Grandma Rose

My Grandmother was a wise woman, full of advice that I ignore to this day. Realising that my behaviour with Finn could be considered a result of “feelings” I decided the best way to address the imbalance was to jump into bed with a new flavour. Finn had become the outright favourite in my current rotation, so I felt it was time to add some variety to my choice of bed mates.

So I shaved my legs, dug out my eye-popper bra and considered my options for a hunting ground. It was Tuesday evening, so where in Toronto could I find a young buck to satisfy my needs and oust some of the Finn-based pangs? I’m a creature of habit, so after a moment or two in private debate I headed off to my favourite sports bar assuming that since Man U played earlier that day a few drunk soccer fans would be around.

I was right.

After a few drinks and some banter I was ambushed on my way out of the ladies washroom by an ardent admirer. With my encouragement he pushed me back into the (empty) ladies for some privacy while we indulged in a quick preview. He kissed well and passionately, was obviously keen, and as the saying goes either he had a gun in his pocket or was very pleased to see me. We rejoined the table after a swift smoothing of hair and straightening of clothes. As his blood was up and I had put him on a promise, we stayed to finish our drinks before leaving in a taxi headed to his.

Although I too prefer a home-bed advantage, I have to agree with The F’in Man that men often perform better in their own space. (I have also found some lesser mortals can be intimidated by my palatial condo with dancing pole and love swing.)

The sex was fun. Passionate, enjoyable, vocal and reasonably imaginative. He wasn’t very handsy though… he would choose a spot, grip and then his hands would stay pretty much put. This didn’t overly detract from the event itself, but it did leave me pondering. As a soccer fan, has his chosen sport influenced his style as a lover? This led me to wonder – could we all be influenced by our sporting passions to the extent it can be seen in our horizontal mambo technique?

Many of my past and present lovers are rugby fans and/or players. It is also my sporting passion, so this is my default and possibly my natural match in the bedroom. Can I seek variety through different supporters clubs?

Readers, I feel a hypothesis ready for rigourous scientic experimentation is needed.

• Rugby fans – rough in the sack, shake hands after the deed is done and join you in the bar after.
• Soccer fans – prone to faking it, no hand coordination and potential foot fetish.
• Cricket fans – five day tantric session which can end without a result leaving you somehow unsatisfied.
• Football fans – need constant substituting (have those toys ready) and oversized refreshments.

So – what is a statistically representative sample? I think I might be busy over the next few months on this project.

Note: I have left out basketball, baseball and hockey fans as I’m too bored by the actual sports to even begin to identify possible characteristics. I blame it on the “calibre” of the Toronto based teams recent seasons.